far cry

PECHAY!

2012-01-30T05:36:00.002+08:00

i did not sleep. i studied the neurophysiology cases that dr.km gave us, only to find out na hindi pala yung ang iqquiz mamaya. GREAT! Haha. ang kulet lang e.

random drama

2012-01-26T23:19:00.005+08:00

i only have 1 month to fix my grades or else i'm dead.

these past few weeks, i've been thinking of the reason why i went back to studying. i graduated in 2008 and had already given up the thought of entering medical school. i got a job in a hotel and then transferred to another job in a resort which pays good. ok na ako e, maganda na ang trabaho ko, maayos naman ang buhay ko. but then, why in the world did i come back to studying and to top it up, i chose medicine pa. pinahirapan ko lang at ginulo ko ang buhay ko. haha. :P

medicine was a surprise given to me by the Lord. imagine, after 3 long years, who would have known that i would really become a medical student and eventually be a doctor. ang amazing ni Lord. truly, He gives the desires of our hearts in His perfect time.

going back to school from 3 years of no contact with any science book (or anything academic) was really hard for me. lots of adjustments to do until now. since the school year started,i've been struggling in school. i do not know if i am just really inferior to my classmates or i am just overwhelmed of everything in medicine. three shiftings have passed. i have subjects na delikado. and i am really afraid. i never failed any subject in college, my course was biology. pero kasi, medicine is different. napakahirap. nakakabaliw.

i have the whole february to fix my grades. i have the first three weeks of march for shifting exams and final exams. i really do not know if i'll still be alive by then. nakakapit pa din ako. still studying hard, still pushing harder. pero kahit anong gawin ko, bakit parang kulang pa rin? am i really not bright enough to get through this first year of medicine? adding to this downhill is my attitude. i am forever feeling inferior of myself. no matter what i do,i just can't believe in me. i've prayed, i've cried, i've tried thinking of positive things but then it's like there's an autoformat and default function to negativity. with this, i feel that i am lacking the Spirit. feeling this, i know that i am staying in the flesh. instead of continuing to look down on myself, feeling all worthless, i should seek Him first.

ang dami kong takot.
ang dami kong pag-aalala.
ang dami kong hindi masabing pangamba.
ang dami kong iniisip na hindi ko kaya.

my bestfriend paul told me na i am like this because i am building a wall to things.

haaaayy.

what i always remember is that, the Lord has placed me here. He wouldn't have given me this if it was not for me.

pechay. napakadrama ko talagang tao. nakakaumay ako.

naalala ko lang yung kanta sa isang recovery study group meeting namin sa church.

Go on, go on, go on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, go on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Trials may come and discouragements, too.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.
Yesterday's gone and His mercies are new.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Press on, press on, press on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, press on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must press on, press on in the Lord.

To worry is vain—He will care for Your needs.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.
Tomorrow's not here and it never may be.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Sail on, sail on, sail on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, sail on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must sail on, sail on in the Lord.

You must sail on, sail on,
Press on, press on,
You must go on, and on in the Lord.

sabi ni Lord, go on lang marra. Do not look at the past, do not care first of the future, just go on.

nagspeak na si Lord sa akin. it is now up to me to live in this ka-negative-an ko or to go on in life with the Lord.

ang weird ko talaga. ang saya ko lang kanina blogging about my lolo and happy with the Gross Anatomy shifting exams and then nag-eemote na naman ako dito. ako lang kaya ang babaeng ganito? haha. pechay.

break ends here. mag-aral na ulet.

Pechay!

FINALLY

2012-01-26T18:01:00.008+08:00

WALANG PAGSIDLANG KALIGAYAHAN. Naks!

My mom told me that Papang (mom's dad) will be coming home (Pilipinas) for good. Waaaah, upon hearing this, I wanted to cry.

facebook wallpost:"Meet my first love. Si Papang Johnny. (Lolo ko). First picture when I was 6 years old, then, I saw him again after 16 years na (2009). Nevertheless, I love him nasa US man siya o nasa Pinas, dahil lagi siyang nasa aking puso. ♥ ♥ ♥"

since birth, until before i started studying, i stayed in ilocos with my grandparents (mama's parents). my brother was with my parents in cubao while ako, playing the cute-little-apo-na-first-love-ng-grandparents sa probinsya. my lola was a gradeschool teacher. being the toddler apo, i was always tagged along in school wearing ternos. i was the only baby in our old filipino house that's why i was so much loved by my lolo and lola. i call them papang and mamang. i remember having my papang's elbow as my pacifier every night. papang made us (brother and I) personalized higaan (a sort-of pillows) that my brother kept until he was in gradeschool. those were the best years of my life (syempre bata pa ako nun). and then mamang died of heart attack. i was 3 years old then, i was very angry of my uncle(mom's brother) because i thought that he was the reason why my mamang died. at 3 years old, i shouted at him while crying, "pinatay mo si mamang. pinatay mo si mamang". that was my first heartbreak ever.

since papang was already alone, he decided to go to the states since his brother was already a citizen there. that was my second heartbreak. my lolo leaving me was the hardest thing my little heart experienced at that time (after mamang died). i think i cried a pool of tears (exag. haha). i know it was really hard for him to leave me, but he needed to continue with his life in a new environment and i already needed to study back then.

from then, until now, we communicate through phone calls and text messages.

i remember the summer before third year college, from biology, papang wanted me to shift to nursing. i was pushing that i will finish biology and pursue medicine, but he didnt want to. we talked in the phone for hours, me crying and him, trying to persuade me to shift. he was like, "if you become a nurse, you'll get the chance to see me and be with me here in the US. ayaw mo ba nun?". i nearly gave in.

he came home for a vacation last 2009. yes, after 16 years, i saw the number 1 man that i love. in those 16 years, i cried lots because of missing him. hearing his voice breaks my heart. in that one month that he was here, he stayed with me for 2 straight weeks. we would eat chopped cabbage with tomatoes, just that. we would watch the news and discuss it. i taught him how to use the computer (he even had computer classes in the states) but still, he was not able to learn (hehe). those days, were also my favorite.

and next month, february, my first love will be coming home for goooooodddddddd. waaaaaah. muntik na akong umiyak sa harap ng nanay ko nang sinabi niya sa akin to, nahiya lang ako. waaaaaaaahh. this is the best news everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... syempre, he will be staying with us na. i am excited to be with papang na. february, please come sooner.

my lolo is my first love, my number 1 man, my favorite person (tied with mama. haha) kaya i am soooooo happy that finally, he'll be with us.

Thank You Lord. This is the best gift everrrrrrrrrrr. <3 <3 <3

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

:

2012-01-25T22:10:00.006+08:00

the battle with the self is always the hardest.
i am always struggling.

"kung pwede lang tanggalin ang pagiging tao, ginawa ko na."

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

Salamat Po

2012-01-16T05:26:00.002+08:00

I am just happy that the Lord is always reminding me of things that I tend to forget. ♥
We encounter changes everytime. We experience both sides of life, the good and the not so good.

Thank You for my everyday experiences. Thank You for always being in me. May everything I do, be for Your glory alone and not for my own self-righteousness. May there be self dissociation and self-denial so that it is You who'll live in me and there will no longer be I.

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

finally, not to sweets!

2012-01-16T03:52:00.011+08:00

gah! do i really have to be sick facing my shifting exams? not really sick-sick, sick of fever or so but its just that i am not feeling well kanina (technically last night) until now. how did this came through ba kasi? after Church,my bestfriend paul and i had lunch at robinson's manila, from there, i drank:

quickly's choco loco special (picture from quickly.com.ph)

and five minutes after finishing my choco loco special, paul decided to have tea tattle's vanilla milk tea. since i have not yet tried tea tattle, i immediately ordered caramel milk tea. Boom!

caramel tea tattle (from tea tattle's facebook page)

and after finishing tea tattle, we had to go to starbucks pedro gil since it is where we will be having our review (paul not included) with clarisse and macy with our ever mabait friend jocelle as our gross anatomy review master (HAHA). around five minutes after arriving there, i ordered cafe mocha hot (venti). blah! knowing me, i drink hot coffee quickly as if it was cold, and there, naghalo-halo na lahat sa tiyan ko in a span of less than 30 minutes.

picture from google search

that was around 2:30pm. from then until around 10:30pm, i only got to drink a small starbucks cup of cold water pa (and i dont drink cold water, but i have no choice, masakit na lalamunan ko).

i got home 10:30pm, not feeling well already. those sweet drinks + the starbucks "weather" got me colds na agad. boo me! i have exams today (actually starting today until friday), and i needed to study last night but wasnt able to because i cant breath because of the colds and had my feeling-ko-magkakasakit-ako-bukas pakiramdam. it was around 12 midnight when i decided to sleep since i was trying to study but nothing's coming-in already. finally decided to rest and just asked few friends to call me up at 3am to have me continue studying gross anatomy (/wrist). sadly, i had set my alarm one hour earlier, boo me, i woke up at 2am. since waking-up until now 4am, i feel like my throat's piercing. ang sakit ng lalamunan kooooooo. naiiyak na ako sa sakit.. i really dont know what to do to ease this pain, i cant concentrate on studying because of the pain. i drank water na lang.

and because of this, I will not eat anything sweet for 7 days. and if i'll be able to do this, i will not eat chocolate (or anything with chocolate) for a month.

blah blah blah. ok stop time. back on studying and viewing cadaver pictures.

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

study break

2012-01-13T03:51:00.005+08:00

rule for myself nung unang panahon pa:
"hindi naman bawal magka-crush e, ang bawal ay ang magkagusto."

medyo defective kasi ang utak ko, kaya yan ang nakaset sa aking isip.

medyo defective ang amygdala side for this emotion. BWAHAHAHA. Walang ON button.

Pang-highschool lang aking pag-iisip jan, pangcrush lang.

At dahil temporarily deactivated ang aking facebook at hindi din muna ako nagttwitter, wala akong "put whatever random thing you think of at this moment" page. Babalik naman ako January 20, yun e kung buhay pa ako from the shifting examssssssssss (/wrist) namin this coming week (Gross Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry, Histology, Neuroanatomy, Family & Community Medicine at MedEthics).

Ok, back to studying.

Nonsense post in my if-you-dont-want-to-read-a-yucky-post-exit-this-window blog.

Anatomy, magtutuos na tayong muli. Aral na! :P

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

sudden

2012-01-05T00:02:00.006+08:00

i suddenly wanted to take out my dislike and sadness. and then i thought of this blog. yes. may blog pala ako. fourth blog since highschool.

first - facebook blog(2003)
second - livejournal (2005 or 2006)
third - multiply (2006 or 2007)
fourth - blogspot (2008)

AND WHY AM I POSTING HERE AGAIN?

my blog posts reflect how emotional of a person i am. i am overly sensitive especially of what people will say or think of me to the point that sometimes i get paranoid if it is me that they are talking about.

i made my twitter account so that I will have a "rant page". 140 characters of whatever's on my mind.

last month, i read a tweet from a friend regarding something that "might be" pertaining to me. i am an over-analyzer, so when i read that tweet, i immediately felt sad. i have no guts to ask if that tweet was really for me.

another one like this happened to another friend, which again, i just ignored. however, last night, i again "tweet-ed" what i was feeling. the friend "tweet-ed" something in response to my tweet but not addressed to me but with a hashtag which indirectly pertains to me and another tweet with sort-of correcting or clarifying a word i used in my tweet.

i do not have a problem with that friend. its just that it made me really sad last night to the point that i thought of deactivating my twitter account. it is as if my supposed-to-be 'rant page' should be filtered since i know that everytime i tweet something, the friend might react again and that will make me sad again.

two things:
1.) i have no issue or whatsoever with the friend. i am not angry. friend may unfollow me if he/she likes to, that's his/her choice
2.) i hate that with just these simple things, i easily get sad.

since then, i have been asking myself and my bestfriends as to why am i like this? why am i overly sensitive and overly emotional. it has been a disadvantage eversince. i learned from school that our amygdala (part of the brain) is responsible for the emotions of people. i even posted a facebook status if i can have my amygdala taken. HAHA.

i do not question how the Lord has made me. however, i often wonder why am i like this, how i became like this.

anyway, having known how emotional i am, my every blog is full of feelings. blogging is online diary-ing (at least for me).

so now, since i think i will lessen random tweeting, i might as well use this blog again.

i pray for this little brain structure not do its job so i wont care so much.

i hate being like this, with these un-fussable(no such word) things, i get sad. duh! babaw ko. kainis.

that's about it. I still need to study for Neuroanatomy.

i am not making any sense here, but hey, this is my blog so i can post whatever i want.

Marra.
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

Pangarap (JUNE 26, 2010)

2012-01-04T02:02:00.000+08:00

WHEN: June 26, 2010

Pangarap?

Wala na ako nun. Hindi ko na alam yun.

Kung tatanungin ako ngayon kung anong pangarap ko, hindi ko na alam.

Dati, gusto kong maging manunulat. Madalas noong bata ako, tuwing pumupunta kaming Maynila, madalas kong sabihin na gusto kong magtrabaho sa Manila Bulletin pag laki ko.

Noong highschool ako, alam ko na gusto kong kumuha ng Communication Arts / Mass Communications. Pangalawang gusto ko ay Journalism. Pinadalhan ako ng maraming libro ng lolo ko galing Amerika tungkol sa pagsulat ng teknikal at malikhaing pagsulat.

Nakalagay lang sa aming sala ang mga librong iyon simula noon. At kanina, biglang napunta ang aking pagtingin sa mga librong "nakatambak". Writing. Ayun ang nakalagay sa harap ng libro. Katabi ng librong iyon ang madami pang mga libro. Katabi rin ang aklat ng talambuhay ni Rizal na ang nagmamay-ari naman ay isa ko pang lolo. Isa iyon sa mga gusto kong libro. Mahilig kasi ako sa kasaysayan at mahilig din sa libro ng talambuhay. Dalawa pa lang naman ang nababasa kong aklat ng talambuhay, ayun ngang kay Rizal at ang isa ay kay Imelda Marcos.

Sandali, halo-halo na ang mga sinasabi ko.

Nung nagkolehiyo ako, napunta ako sa Biology. Mahabang kwento. Ito ay isang mundo malayo sa gusto ko. Ni sa hinagap, hindi ko naisip na mapupunta ako dun at kukunin ko ang kursong iyon.

Pinadalhan ako ng lolo ko ng maliit na microscope. Haha. Nakakatuwa. Ang cute. Nung nasa 4th year college na ako, pinadalhan niya naman ako ng Insect Pins sa Amerika. Umorder ako online at siya na ang nagbayad at nagpadala dito. Hindi ko naman alam kung saan ako makakabili ng mga ganoong pins dito sa Pilipinas. Para yun sa thesis namin na mga Bangaw.

At natapos ang kolehiyo. Alam ko naman talaga na hindi ako makakatulog sa pagdodoktor. Ayaw ni Mama. O baka hindi nya pa kaya nung panahong nagtapos ako ng Biology dahil nasa kolehiyo pa din ang kapatid ko.

At nagtrabaho na ako.....
Nag-apply ako noon sa mga airlines. Gusto ko kasing maging flight attendant. Ayun kasi ang sinasabi nila nung bata ako na pwede akong maging. Kaya ayun, sinubukan ko. Hindi nila ako tinanggap kasi mataba ako. Ganun naman talaga sa mundong iyon.

Nag-apply ako sa mga hotel. Natanggap naman ako, hindi nga lang muna sa posisyon na inapplyan ko dahil Biology graduate ako. Ang layo nga naman. Oh well. Pagkalipas nga isang taon, nalipat ako sa posisyon na gusto ko noon pa. Pero wala rin, pagkatapos ng ilang buwan, kinailangan ko ding umalis doon. May mga bagay na kelangan mo ng iwanan kung alam mong wala ka ng hinaharap pa.

At lumipat na ako sa kung saan ako nagttrabaho ngayon. Okay naman. Nagsisimula pa lang naman ako. Ka-mundo ito ng hotel. Isang resort sa Cebu.

Sinasabi ko dati na ayoko sa mundo pinasukan ko. Hindi ako bagay sa mundo ng maaayos ang itsura, magaganda (airline, hotel at resort). Gusto ko sa mundo ng matatalino (medisina) pero mas nadadagdagan ang doubt ko sa sarili ko.

Iniisip kong hindi ko kaya ang mga mundong ito.

E ano na napapala ko?

Ang haba na neto. Story telling?

Nagsimula lang ako sa salitang Pangarap hindi ba?

Nasagot ko na ba ang tanong ko sa una kung ano na ang pangarap ko?

Hindi paren. Kasi hindi ko alam. Hindi ko na alam.

Hindi ko na alam ang gusto ko.

Kung ang pangarap ay ang gusto mong maging trabaho pag tanda mo, ah e, hindi ko pa alam ang pangarap ko.

Pero kung ang pangarap ay ang gusto mong makamit sa buhay mo, meron ako noon. Kung ganto nga ang tamang ibig sabihin ng salitang pangarap, eto ang munti kong pangarap,

"Gusto kong mapasaya ang aking ina at gusto kong maging proud siya sa akin, sa aming magkapatid."

SIMPLE. Kay simpleng pangarap pero bakit parang hindi ko maabot? Hindi ko magawa.

Ah e, tama na muna eto. Magttrabaho muna ako. =)

Marra.
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

Count 2010

2010-11-16T18:45:00.013+08:00

And I am posting something again here after months of nothingness.

Since Christmas is coming and the year is nearly ending, I wanted to list things I want/need to do before 2010 says goodbye.

I want to and I will:
1. Finish reading books I've kept in my room for years already. Books that are gifts to me, books that I have just borrowed. Update: I've just finished one called , Captivating. It is a gift from Pem for my birthday last year (?) or 2 years ago. haha. I know from then on that its a good book, since my boy bestfriend Paul says it is (to think that the book is actually for a woman). I tried reading it before, I only got to finish (errr) half of the book. So October, I started reading it again (from the start), one chapter before bedtime. And today, I have finished the book. AND I REALLY REALLY LOVED IT. It is a book for Women thru Christ (if I may say). I understood women more. I discovered how Eve should be. Thanks Pem. Really.

2. Go to Vietnam. AND I WILL. At the end of the year, my brother and I will be flying to Saigon. Mom is working and staying in a hotel there, so there wont be any problem with our lodging. haha. My brother have already been in Vietnam last year. I was not able to come since I got work. hayyy..

My brother had few pictures when he went there, most are hotel pictures.. Grrrr... I promise to take many pictures when I get to Saigon. :D

3. This year, I have been on a diet that actually worked. I've lost 22 pounds for about 2 months and it stopped there. hehe. It is because I've never really did exercise. I am not strict on my diet now, not like how I was the first two months, but I guess I will be AGAIN. I am now a vegetarian. Since I started my diet last April, I have only tasted meat a few times, and that was ok for me. I didnt miss it. So last month, I have officially made myself a vegetarian. No beef, no pork, no chicken. I am in to fish, vegetables and fruits anyway.. haha.. Now, before the year ends, I do hope to get my target waist line. haha. secret. :D And regarding weight loss, my weight is normal now, but I would love to lose 5-10 more lbs and then thats it. Wish wish wish. :D

March 2010

October 2010

4. TAKE THE NMAT on December 12, 2010. WISH MARRA LUCK. =)

5. Prepare papers for school application. (I hope).

6. And I will continue this short list this month so for the next month, I have some things to look forward to.

~hanging post~

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

Cebu again

2010-07-25T13:57:00.005+08:00

I am here again in Cebu. I'd be staying here for 2 weeks. Return ticket to Manila is on August 8, Sunday.

I think fate is a monster. I hate it that things I've written as just a story are seemingly coming true (though of course not everything), but somehow, it amazes me how a simple story can turn true in real life. haha. fate or coincidence, this is funny already. Monster.

Anyway, its a Sunday today. I opted not to have a day-off and be on Sunday duty. Good time for me to somehow explore Amadeus more, alone.

After my duty today, I'd be running immediately to SM Cebu to find Western Union and BDO. Hahaha. I need to pay for our monthly chuchubells for the car and for the house.

This is now my fourth time in Cebu. Ok, and I guess, I'd be back here next year pa.

Cebu was a dream back then, 2 years ago that is. I never really imagined that I'll get to work in a place where I have always been wanting to go to. Crimson wasnt here yet back then. Work wasnt my purpose for Cebu. Haha. Funny.

And in these four times that I'm here, I havent seen or served or got (or whatever term to use) my purpose for wanting to go here.

Spill. NO way.

Haha.

I have 2 weeks here til I get back to Manila. After two weeks, I might say sorry for failing my purpose again. But who knows, it might happen this time. =)

YOU WISH!

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra.

KASI

2010-06-26T09:43:00.005+08:00

KASI:

Gusto kong dito na siya para maenjoy nya yung mga pinaghirapan nya nung nasa ibang bansa siya.

Gusto kong magawa nya ang plano nya para sa sarili nya pag natapos nya na kaming pag-aralin ng kapatid ko ng college.

Gusto kong hindi na siya mag-extend pa ng 2 pang taon after netong contract nya (which will end 2012) para lang pag-aralin ako ng Medisina.

Gusto kong hindi na siya pahirapan.

Gusto kong magtour siya at pumunta sa mga lugar na gusto nyang puntahan.

Gusto kong magtrabaho sa ibang lugar pero dapat andito na siya muna sa Pilipinas.

Gusto kong mabigay sa kanya ang mga bagay na gusto nya kahit hindi niya hinihingi (kahit kaya nya namang bilhin ang mga yun).

Gusto kong makita siyang masaya.

What now?!

2010-06-26T09:41:00.002+08:00

So as that I hate airports and hospitals, I want to be a flight attendant and doctor.

So much irony in this.

And again I am asking myself what to do?

MGA USAPAN SA GROCERY

2010-06-13T09:36:00.004+08:00

Mom and I went to Puregold yesterday to buy stuff.

And some random conversation went on:

***Sa rack ng mga SABON.

We use Dove Soap at home. Mama uses OLAY for herself.

MAMA: Bakit hindi kayo mag-OLAY?

MARRA: Ayoko nun! Pangmatanda yun diba? Bata pa ako!

STRANGER(who I think kasing-age ni mama): Hindi naman, maganda naman ang Olay.

MARRA: Ay sorry po! (Bwahahahaha! Me and my big mouth)

***Eto na ang seryosong conversation
While we're in the line to pay sa cashier.....

MAMA: Magmemedicine ka ba?

MARRA: Kayo?

MAMA: Bakit ako?

MARRA: Kaya nyo ba ako pag-aralin?

MAMA: Ako, kaya ko. Ilang years ba?

MARRA: Mga 6 years?

MAMA: Pagtapos ni Choks next year, kaya ko na, wala na nga lang ako pang-tour ko.

MARRA: E pano pampaayos ng bahay?

MAMA: Meron na nakasave para dun. Magkano ba tuition?

MARRA: Sa PLM, 50K daw per sem sabi ni Paul. Tas books pa.

MAMA: Kwentahin mo, pareho lang naman kayo ng tuition ni Choks ngayong college siya tas pag nagmedicine ka. Quarter Term siya, semestral ka lang, so parehas lang.

MARRA: Ah oo nga...

MAMA: Papasa ka ba sa PLM?

MARRA: Pag hindi ako pumasa sa PLM, hindi na ako magmemedicine!

MAMA: OK. Isipin ko kung gusto mo talaga. Para kung oo, next year, magmedicine ka na.

MARRA: (Buntong hininga)

***
This was what I have been waiting for diba?
Pero bakit ganun?
Ano na ba talaga Marra?
You now have a chance.

PAUL: So ano, sabi mama mo pwede ka na magmedskul, pero ngayon ayaw mo na naman? Ano ba Marra, gusto mong manatiling dream lang ang pagiging doctor?

Haaayyy...

I have a few months to think about it. I wanna be sure that this is what I want and this is what's for me. I dont want to waste my mom's efforts and sacrifices.

I told her to give me 1 year and then if I pass, then I'll continue medical school. She told me na kung hindi ko tatapusin, wag na. Kaya siguraduhin ko daw.

I badly need a councelor, or at least someone who can help me make things clear for myself. I badly need help.

Marra.
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

Mababaw na Pechay

2010-06-01T09:10:00.009+08:00

How can mom's remarks be so much "important" (not the right term) for me. Even for the simplest things she randomly tells, I am struck quit hard. Mom doesnt mean anything bad, she just says whatever things, it is just that I am too sensitive of the things she says.

***Nung nagsabog ng ka-emotionalan ang Diyos, nasa unahan ako at tumatalon pa! Bwahaha.***

For 6 weeks, I've been under a diet program and I lost 20 lbs na. Yes, I was big (at least for me) that I needed someone that can push me to lose weight. And so I went to the doctor suggested by my officemate. Okay, and so the doctor gave me a list of things to eat and to avoid. And so I did what the doctor has been telling me. Now, even though the program has already ended, I am continuing my diet because I havent got my target weight yet. Blah blah blah... But I will continue to eat healthily for the rest if my life. Haha

And last night, I had a short conversation with my mom. It was like:

Mama: Ilang pounds ka na?

Marra: ___ lbs. (secret!)

Mama: AY MABIGAT paren.

Marra: Yes but I already lost 22 pounds.

Mama: Ok

-------

And that short.

And nalungkot ako nung sinabi nyang, "Ay mabigat paren!"

Bwahahaha.. Ang babaw ko talaga.

I was not super sad naman but then last night, ang tumatak sa isip ko is mabigat paren ako and I disregarded the fact that I lost 22 lbs na.

Ayayayaya..

Pechay ka Marra!

Marra.
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

HOME

2010-05-26T11:09:00.006+08:00

I often look at the possibility of working away from home. It may be abroad or provincial. I saw some openings for other countries but I havent done anything to apply. Presently, I am working in Crimson Resort & Spa, Mactan which is located in Cebu but then I am based in Makati together with the Sales Team. I originally wanted to work in Cebu even though I dont have anyone I know there apart from the people working in our resort. I know that if in case I pushed through with what I wanted before, I may have been working in our site now.

But then, why can't I move away? Why can't I start applying for work outside Manila or Makati or Alabang. Why can't I start moving away?

Why?

And I got my answer.

I can not leave home because I don't have someone whom I'll leave all my responsibilities to if I go. Mom has been working abroad since June 2007. She left for Cambodia, and now, she's working in Vietnam. And just early this year, she renewed her contract for 2 more years.

Therefore, the ones left at home were me, my brother (who's in college and is living in an apartment near school; he only comes home during weekends and vacation period) and lola (who is 72 years old and who started living with us just last November 2009). If I were to go and work somewhere far from home, who will do the things that I am doing right now? Who will handle our allowance? Who will go out and pay the bills early or on time. If my brother will do that, I am sure that all bills will be paid after the due date, always will be late. Lola cant do that either since she's new in Cavite and can't find her way through our place. She knows Parañaque and a bit of Las Piñas but with Cavite, I doubt.

I know I can't be at peace knowing that I will have to leave those simple things. Actually, whenever I go on an overnight in a friend's house, I often can't sleep and always thinks about how the house have been, if the dogs and cats have eaten already, if the doors were locked and if the gas wass turned-off. I feel uneasy at times whenever I don't sleep there (except when I sleep in my relative's house, then I feel fine).

I guess I am so attached with the responsibilities at home.
It is not a burden.
I enjoy it and its a part of my everyday life.

And so, to the plans of working far away, I guess that will have to wait for 2 more years when Mom is based in the Philippines already (just in case she doesn't renew again or find another country to work at).

I remember Jeje (my classmate in highschool) said: Marra, para kang nanay.
He meant that the care I show to people and to things, is like a care from a mother.
Oh well, I guess I am really like that.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

WENK!

2010-05-23T11:43:00.002+08:00

FAIRYTALES.

They sometimes do come true. And sometimes remain as tales. Lucky are those who have experienced it already.

I wonder how I'll be when my turn to fall in love comes. Haha.
MAGPAPAMISA SIGURO FAMILY AT FRIENDS KO!. =)

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

REASONS TO BE THANKFUL FOR

2010-05-23T11:17:00.002+08:00

Sometime last year (2009), I wrote some reasons that I should be thankful for.
And these are those:

1. MAMA
- who successfully brought us up single-handedly (o0o0ops. this may be an understatement or an overstatement
- who never fails to provide for things we and we do not really need and for things we want
- for always making us her top priority

WISH: My ultimate goal in life is to make her happy and proud.

2. PAPA
- without him, there wouldn't be any Marra or Choks

3. PAPANG JOHNNY (Mom's Dad)
- the man I love the most
- for the never ending love, help and care
- for being mom's backbone

4. I've finished college with a degree that I never though I would take nor finish.

WISH: To know the reason why I studied Biology

5. FRIENDS
- who make me smile

6. WORK
- though still struggling to keep this work & waiting to be kept for a long time, I guess I am lucky because I have work

WISH: I would give extra effort to do good in my job.

7. OFFICEMATES
- though the boys always tease me to the point of hurting me already, its fine
- thanks to my wonderful officemates (girls & boys) who have been my friends already

WISH: To be with them longer & continue a happy friendship with them

8. FOR A GOOD REST & SLEEP in a queen-sized bed with a soft cushion for me all alone

9. FOR THE GIFT OF CARE

10. FOR THE GIFT OF PRINCIPLE

11. FOR THE HEART THAT I HAVE.

12. FOR REALIZING THAT I DON'T HAVE the heart ready to love someone. Thank you for the maturity to admit that.

13. EVERYTHING is going according to My Daddy God's plans.

14. THAT I WAS able to eat not too much because I had not much of an appetite.

15. FOR PAPA who sometimes comes here to spend time with me. He cleaned the garage. =)

16. FOR THIS GREAT LIFE that You oh Lord gave me, things I do are all for Your glory.

Thanks.

I've written this list last year pa. And everyday, this list grows bigger and longer.

There are so much things to be thankful for. I am happy and thankful that my eyes are open so I could see them all. =)

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

BLACK NOTEBOOK

2010-05-23T10:58:00.003+08:00

She was beautiful
Black long hair
Chinky little eyes
Not so good body
Yet she's happy

She has her dreams
She wanted to write
Simple rhymes made her smile
Few compositions kept her willed
She wrote everytime

Until the day everything's changed

First of April, four years after two thousand
She went to where her hopes will start
She went there with a smile
With few friends who has same thoughts as hers
One by one they did what they should

First steps to their dreams, to their hopes
And then there were two.

She and one of her friend faced some stopovers.
They never thought that this would happen
They thought all was set.
Her friend found a way to get through
Yet she held on to nothing
She was led to stop. No green lights anymore.

And that was the start of a collapse.

The chin that faced up so high became deeper than seabed
Yet she didn't cry

She chose to go to where she was a stranger
She new nothing here. She loved nothing here.
Ignorantly stayed here.
Lived here.

The smooth road she was passing before was gone.
She got in the wrong direction yet she continued
After years of leading to this so-called wrong path,
She arrived at her destination.
This place still is unknown.
She finished her tour.
She has arrived.
Yet her mind still thinks,
"What if I made a detour?"
"What if the road I knew was the path I took?"

And then she woke-up,
She can't make-up her mind.
She has amnesia.
Now she's horrible.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

I JUST CAN'T

2010-05-20T21:36:00.003+08:00

I've been posting this picture on and on ever since to at least spark some memory. But I guess its impossible. I just cant make you remember. END.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

PLEASE TELL SAM

2010-05-19T13:48:00.005+08:00

Dear Heb,

And I am thinking of this possibility again. I thought I have already said goodbye to the story, but then everytime my friends recall my story and laugh at me, I can't help but to think about HEB and SAM and all those.

You know what, I feel stupid in front of my friends because they always laugh at me when the topic is about you or about me. They are mocking my story and of what I told them. It offends me that they're doing that but I can't blame them since what I had told them or the story itself is quite impossible and somewhat imaginative and probably one-sided.

Please tell me that you are not the one I thought you to be. Please tell me that my eyes saw wrongly of three years ago. Please tell me that you do not remember someone (certain girl) who's significant that you feel like there is something when in fact there's really none since you two do not know each other personally. But yes, you may have that someone so just please tell me its not me. Please tell me that the status I read which led me to be friends with you is not for me. Please tell me I'm dreaming, I am just a writer, that I imagine so much and that I'm wrong and that all of these are just crap. Please tell me that you don't really know me so how can you even bother to remember.

And lastly, please tell me if you know if what you are reading now is addressed to you.

Will you please,

Sam

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

BUBBLE

2010-05-16T10:03:00.002+08:00

I feel like a bubble. Nothing inside but air. I think I am losing the sense. haha. SENSE.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

I JUST WANTED A NEW POST

2010-05-10T21:35:00.005+08:00

People from the past should just stay in it. Some may come back but things wont never be the same again.

There are lots of things that we do not understand and can not figure out ourselves. And most of those, we should just let pass us. I speak vague. I can't point out what I want to say or maybe I really dont know what specifics to say.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Life is simple. Mine is. How about yours?

I would rather have it this way than adding any extra disadvantage.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

pechay. I am hating this post

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

=(

2010-04-25T17:56:00.004+08:00

We know that it is not easy for mothers to give everything to their children especially when they are alone.

But you know what, it hurts more for children to know, see and feel that their parents are having a really hard time doing and providing everything for them.

It hurts both ways.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

2010-04-23T09:51:00.004+08:00

Makaturturog akon.
Agkidkidem iti mata kon.

Kayat ko ti agbasa iti Cebuano tapno makasaok diay tattao diay resort iti Cebuano ken tapno maawatak kuma met isuda nu haan da nga agsassao iti Tagalog.

Anya met ten! Nagrigat iti mangispel ti Ilocano, ag Tagalog ako laengen.

Haha

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

SHE

2010-04-22T11:19:00.005+08:00

She's not used to being told she's beautiful.
She's not used to people not mocking or joking her because she's too big.
She's not used to guys not teasing her that she's like a boy.
She's not used to being treated like a fine young lady would be.
She's not used to people looking at her with only just a smile and not a laugh.
She's not used to having people especially guys being too nice to her.
She's not used to not answer back with defense of herself, on how she is, and how she looks like.
She's not used to not mock her ownself in front of people.
She's not used to not laugh at herself as how others laugh at her.

and even this,

She's not used to believing that there will be a time that all these things will all turn upside down.

And there are a lot more things that she's not used to.

Marra
Thanks.
Love and Peace.

yay

2010-03-28T10:25:00.005+08:00

and what have I recently realized?

that I AM ACTUALLY AFRAID

I have always thought that I am not, I am brave and I am up to it,
but then, I'm wrong.

I might be saying hello to years of singlehood and perhaps a lifetime of it. [haha]

haha.

Thanks
Love and Peace
Marra

whatever

2010-03-20T07:56:00.005+08:00

When I am here in the place that's super close to you, I feel farther. I wanted this, I wanted to go here, but now that I am here, I never thought that it will be ok not seeing you here.

SERENDIPITY.
According to an online dictionary
**The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident.
**The fact or occurrence of such discoveries.
**An instance of making such a discovery.

DESTINY
According to an online dictionary
**The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot.
**A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control
**The power or agency thought to predetermine events.

Whatever it or this may be. I am learning not to hope for it anymore.

This childish act
This simple thinking that I have
This fairytale that I am writing
I am ending it all now. =]

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

Cebu

2010-03-13T20:32:00.003+08:00

Tomorrow, the Manila Sales Team of Crimson Resort and Spa (which I am a part of, being their only reservations agent Manila based) will be flying to Cebu tomorrow for a 2-week training. We'll do several trainings, one that's of the training officer and another from our Country Manager and blah blah, other trainings pa. We'll get to meet all the Cebu staff.

Anyway.... haha... Tomorrow will be two of my firsts.
First time to ride a plane.
First time to travel outside Luzon.

Cebu. This me-coming-to-Cebu is a part of my Ago & Tomorrow story. I've long imagined this (but that was long ago na), and now that its getting real, I am not excited at all because I know that my story will not come true. haha..

See you when I see you.

I should enjoy this trip. =]

Thanks.
Love and Peace
Marra

Someone learned.....

2010-02-27T23:42:00.002+08:00

I received this e-mail last Thursday. I wanted to share it with you people even if others may have read this somewhere already. It made me smile. Sana kayo rin. =)

----o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o-o-o-o-o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o----o----o---o---o--o-o----o---o---o--

They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......

• I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

• I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

• I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made
my day!' makes my day.

• I've learned..... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is
one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

• I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being
right.

• I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a
child.

• I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't
have the strength to help him in some other way.

• I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires
you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

• I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to
hold and a heart to understand.

• I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the
block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for
me as an adult.

• I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The
closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

• I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us
everything we ask for.

• I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

• I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that
make life so spectacular.

• I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who
wants to be appreciated and loved.

• I've learned..... That to ignore the facts does not change the
facts.

• I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone,
you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

• I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

• I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person
is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

• I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted
with a smile.

• I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love
with them.

• I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

• I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will
take the ones you miss.

• I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness
will dock elsewhere.

• I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I
love her one more time before she passed away.

• I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and
tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

• I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve
your looks.

• I've learned..... That when your newly born grandchild holds
Your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

• I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

• I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the
more things I get done.

a page from my work notebook

2010-02-27T21:17:00.006+08:00

Maybe God is giving me more time
Time to prepare
That's the first thing that came out of my mind
This may seem unreal again
Wrong assumption again
But oh well, I'll just cross my fingers =)

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

When your heart haven't experienced any beating,
Is it Loving?

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

I cant write rhymes & lines. It is/was very easy for me to do that, but right at this moment, I can't seem to put words in this blank paper. Why?

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Three years ago, there was this someone who seemed special. *I didn't have to know him personally to say that he is.* I have quite several good memories of him though I am not sure if these are true. But I am sure that these are not false. [LABO KO] You can not put to writing things from the past spontaneously if those were not true. All you need to do is close your eyes and let the hand do the writing.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Beautiful Memory
Lost Hero
Superman
Stairs Guy

These are some of the names I use for that one person in the past that I haven't even known. We could have been friends. We could have talked in school at least for once.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

Whenever I say that all we had were glances, my friends laugh at me. They can't seem to believe the things I was telling them. I feel stupid. They have a point. But this time, everything I kept of him were true memories. Things and situations were told as how they occurred. I just don't know why didn't he remember me.

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

I am really naive?
Have I put so much color to a blank piece of paper?
Have I seen so much that I've made something different out of it?

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

The tall you seem to can not see the tall me.

Laugh it out!

---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---

BLAH BLAH BLAH

CHUCHUBELLS

PECHAY!

arggggh

2010-02-21T17:36:00.002+08:00

Internet sucks for 2 days already. grrrrr.. I've called PLDT twice already to report this problem and the two customer service representatives who supposed-to-be should help me were not able to solve the problem. grrrrr.. grrrr... I can't access websites that I usually go to. And even the simple yahoo mail, I cant go through.... grrrrr....

Mojacko - Doraemon

2010-02-07T11:38:00.008+08:00

When I was young, I liked Mojacko and his sisters. He is the orange ball-like cartoon character who is the older brother of Mojari and Mojaru. They always say Moja-Moja. haha.

ANd then there's Doraemon who came first in Japan but then (I think), Mojacko was shown first here in the Philippines than Doraemon (at least that's what I remember). Or maybe not... haha.. Probably Doraemon was shown here first.. I am really not sure...Anyway, I liked Mojacko more. I know that there is Doraemon but I was not able to watch episodes of it when I was younger. And so again, I liked Mojacko more and knew nothing about Doraemon. I judged that Mojacko is better.

And then in highschool or college, I was able to watch episodes of Doraemon. I realized that it was way better than Mojacko. Doraemon is the typical kids show where you can learn little good deeds which are made simpler for them to understand.

blah blah blah...

***I have always been like this. I usually do not like something because I don't know anything about it. I am afraid to actually introduce (this is not the correct term) that "something new to me" (not vice versa) because I might forget the one that I liked before. Grrrr.. Weird really.

blah blah blah.

Yeah. I am a coward of things that I am about and need to explore, of things that are stranger to me, of things I am yet to know.

How can someone and something grow with this way of thinking?

No wonder I am getting stagnant here.

But I'll get there in time. =]

Thanks.
Love and Peace
Marra

sweet valley high

2010-01-30T10:42:00.015+08:00

I suddenly missed Sweet Valley High. One day I was humming and realized that it was Sweet Valley High's song.. errrr... I think. Twas like, "Sweet Valley, Sweet Valley, Highhhhhh!"

I guess every girl who's now in her 20s loved Sweet Valley back then.

My Tita, who is just 6 years older introduced me to Sweet Valley when I was a kid. She had few books which I kept on reading again and again back then. Plus in GMA-7, they had Sweet Valley Teens or Sweet Valley High every weekends but was dubbed in Tagalog.

THE WAKEFIELD TWINS.

Of course I liked ELizabeth more. She's the good ol sister, the prim & proper and the writer of the school publication Oracle.

Jessica was the complete opposite. haha..

I still remember one book my tita let me borrow. It was the "Ms. Teen Sweet Valley" book. Jess joined the contest and Liz, being the conservative that she is, she was not in-favor of her sister joining. Liz hates beauty contest and anything of that sort. They fought about it. There were many confrontations between the twins that led to a really deep fight. But then, when the day of the competition came, Jess slipped at one part. She was so devastated that she locked up her self backstage because she did not know how to bring herself back on stage with confidence. Liz, being the super good sister that she is, though she hated beauty pageants so much, she went to her sister's rescue. Liz got Jess' costume and went back to the stage as Jessica and continued the pageant. She finished and won it all. The ending: Jess won the crown and the sisters reconciled.

And now, since the Sweet Valley craze came back to me, I searched for a few pics of the twins.

THE WAKEFIELD TWINS. (Elizabeth and Jessica)

Cynthia and Brittany Daniel

CYNTHIA DANIEL = ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD

BRITTANY DANIEL = JESSICA WAKEFIELD

So there they are. As beautiful as ever. I LOVE THE TWINS.

chasing pavements

2010-01-17T00:07:00.010+08:00

***A friend from facebook posted a link to the song Chasing Pavements. I watched the link and liked the song agad. I downloaded the song immediately and paulit-ulit ko lang pinapakinggan yung song. haha.

Here's the lyrics

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

This song makes me think. Yay yay yay. Give up na?

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

KIT

2010-01-13T10:57:00.004+08:00

This is our Cat. His name is Kit.

He loves (as all cats do) sleeping in foams, sofas and cushions.

And since my brother usually brings his own cushion in the sala and there sleep,

this kitty cat sleeps together with him.. haha.

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

2009

2010-01-10T11:44:00.048+08:00

What happened to my 2009?

I already made a draft about this and yet I blew it off... Grrr.. Nabura lahat. Kainis! And now I'm writing again with my help of handy-dandy 2009 planner to back me up. Haha

1. January 4. Neknek's (my highschool classmate) sister, Ate Shawi, introduced to us Wall Climbing which she had already started December 2008.

Neknek & I up on the wall

Ate Shawi, Neknek and I. Resting.

2. January 14. Finally spent sometime with Yza, my dad's latest (haha) child, kahit few minutes lang. Papa went to the house with Yza.

Yza and Ate Marra

3. March 15. First Ice-Skating experience ever.. haha.. poor me.. I went with my officemates Mariel and Swit =]

Mariel, Swit and Marra

Sa gilid lang? haha

First-timers? haha

4. March 19. My contract under Century Park Hotel as Telephone Operator ended. But After 5 days, March 24, 2009 I'm back again in Century Park still as a telephone operator but under PLDT payroll. =]

5. March 22. I had my first ever PABUNOT ng ngipin. I have always been afraid of dentists. My first time na magpapasta was in 4th year college. haha. Akala ko masakit magpabunot, in my case, I didnt feel any. haha. Swerte! Mas gusto ko pa nga magpabunot kesa magpapasta.

It was my first bunot-ngipin experience. And I ate ice cream agad.

Inubos ko yan in just two days. Ako lang. haha.

6. April 3. My Lolo Rico (mom's uncle) and his wife Lola Emma came home (Pinas) for a vacation and to commemorate Lola Emma's sibling's death anniversary.

7. April 5. Mariel & I had our long hairs cut. Grrrr.. I always had long hair and that time I had the urge to get it short, Mariel too. Haha. SO ayun na!

Long hair to short hair.

8. April 6. My brother went to visit mom in Vietnam and I was left alone because I had work.. poor me. haha.

In Park Royal Saigon, the hotel where mom is working. Picture at the bottom left is at the airport in Vietnam.

9. April 15. My second time na magpabunot ng ngipin. Thanks Dra. Lara. =]

10. April 27 & 28. Mom and Papang (mom's dad) came to Pinas respectively. My Papang went to the States when I was (I think) 6 years old. And this was his first time going back to the Philippines after about 16 years. Grabe. I was super excited and I was the happiest, that he went home for a vacation. Grabe. He left when I was 6 and then came back when I was already 21. Whew! Wow. I'm off to no speech. He's the man that I love most in the whole world. =] And of course mom came home to meet her dad. Everyone was happy seeing Papang.

Felicitas people.

In colors: In white, Mom in longsleeves, Tita Reggie (mom's cousin) in t-shirt, Tita Melody (mom's sister-in-law) in sleeveless, Tito Mel (mom's cousin) and Lolo Rico (mom's uncle) in white shirt, and Kaira (the kid, mom's niece).

In brown: Tita Chel (mom's cousin) in dark brown sleeveless and Lola Merriam (mom's aunt) in light brown blouse.

Others: Papang (mom's dad) in checkered polo, Lola Emma (mom's aunt-in-law) in stripes,

my brother in Blue polo shirt, Jarok (the kid playing psp, mom's nephew) and ME in pink.

My Papang & I.

11. May 11. Tito Efren (mom's cousin, Lolo Rico's son) came to Pinas for a vacation. It was the first time I've seen him since they migrated to US in 1984 which I havent been born yet. Also, Tito Jerome (mom's cousin), Eric and Jypsy (mom's nephew and niece), all from Lanao came to Manila to visit. It was the first time also that I've seen Jypsy.

Those who are seated, from left: Lolo Aning (mom's uncle-in-law), Eric, Tito Jerome, Jarok, Jypsy and Bea (mom's niece).

Those who are standing, from left: Tito Cleven (mom's cousin-in-law), Tita Chelle (mom's cousin, Tito Cleven's wife),

Lola Merriam (mom's aunt), ME, Papang, Kaira, Tito Efren, Lola Emma and Lolo Rico.

12. May 15. First time ever that I went to Ilocos ALL ALONE. I took the bus, 10pm ride to Sta. Maria to bring Papang's insulin that they left in Las Piñas. Cool. I love long night bus rides like that. Going there is 8 hours thru bus. I didnt stay long and didnt let Papang know that I brought his medicine. =]

13. May 23. First time in midnight shift at work. haha. Kuya Mark Yu ang kaduty ko.

14. May 28. We got our new car in Toyota-Commonwealth.

15. July 31. Got my non-professional driving license, haha, saw Rayver Cruz sa LTO-Las Piñas.

16. August 15. It was a Saturday birthday for me. My then supervisor, Ms. Let asked me if I want to transfer to Reception. I was surprised because that has been my plan but then I never told anyone regarding that matter. It made me happy that Ms. Let was the one who opened the topic to me and told me that she'll be the one to tell Ms. Elsie, our Front Office Manager and Mrs. Di, our Rooms Division Manager regarding my intention to transfer. She said that I just need to give her my updated resume. As my co-workers told me, though my supervisor is sometimes hard to deal with, she always wants the best for her staff, and in my case, she helped me with this one. Thank you.

17. August 31. This was the expiration of my contract as Telephone Operator in Century Park under PLDT payroll. But September 1, I already signed a new contract as Guest Service Agent under Century Park Hotel still. Happy. But then, though I signed for GSA position, I was extended in Telephone Exchange for another month because we were understaffed that time. And in October 8, I finally transferred to reservations since it was a needed one-month training before I come out on the front desk.

18. September 26-27. ONDOY. 25 hours straight duty for me. From 8am September 26 to 9am September 27. How COOL can that be huh?! hahaha..

19. October 29. Tito Roy went home (Pinas) for a vacation. Mom also for a 5-day vacation.

20. October 29. Paul added someone I "know" from college in facebook. haha. =] I read a status that I liked so0o0o much. haha. then October 30, I invited that "friend" using my own account.

21. November 2. Finally, my first day at reception which was supposed to be November 1. But I was absent that day because I was sick.

Marra sa front desk.

22. November 11. One-time bigtime chat with a new friend. haha. ENTER!

23. Third week of November, I received an e-mail saying that I'll be interviewed in Alabang. I went to the interview and was accepted that day also. It was for the position of Reservations Agent of Crimson Hotel, a new hotel and resort in Cebu that will be opened early or middle 2010. But I'll be assigned in their Alabang Office.

24. Last week of November. It took me long before I've been able to inform all of my supervisors and our Front Office Manager regarding my resignation. Lots of tears fell off my eyes. I told Sir Poch first since he was the one on-duty that time, then Ms. Michelle, thru phone since she was on-leave for 4 days and then Ms. Let and Ms. Elsie. They were all soo happy for me that I had this opportunity. Though they'll be understaffed because Charlene (my officemate) and I will be leaving (she- end of contract and I - resign), they were all so happy. I love the people from Century so much. It was my first work, those people were my first officemates, that was the first company that I was able to work with. I'll surely miss them all bigtime. The goodbye was very hard for me. I cried literally gallons of tears all in all. Talking to my seniors, I was so emotional already, what more in my last day, I left the hotelcrying. =[ December 11 was my last day.

Ate Ellynne, Swit and Ate Herlene. TELEX people

Ms. Michelle (our Chief GSA), ME, Jacq and Ms. Trina

Ms. Carol, Ms. Vicelle, ME, Mariel, Ms. Ana, Sir Poch and JC

*Though I didn't want to leave, I don't want to waste this new opportunity given to me.

25. December 18. I went to UST to experience PASKUHAN again. Twas love. I miss UST, my blockmates, Paskuhan. Everything!

My beloved Blockmates, 4Bio1: Karla, Cams, Tim, Yen, Marra, Bim, Geb, Anjo

after the lovely fireworks =]

26. December 19. Mom back in Pinas for the holidays.

27. Last two Sundays of December, my family together with my relatives (mom's side) went to Tagaytay for a "biglaang-punta-sa-Tagaytay-para-magdinner". haha.

Lola Gonyang, Tita Melody, Mama, Cocks(UP), Tito Dave, Tito Roy, Tita Reggie and I. Kids are playing kaya they're not in the pic.

*We spent our Christmas Eve in Las Piñas with our relatives then the New Year's Eve at home in Cavite.

And that's about how I had my last year. If I remember anything pa, I'll edit na lang.

Thanks.

Love and Peace!

MARRA =]

story

2010-01-08T23:28:00.005+08:00

though I know what reality is, I choose to live in fairytales

*This is how it is. I've written everything and somehow put it through a (might be) good piece of love story. As the writer and as the character, everything's under my perception. But then everything in the story written happened, except of course for the future part of the story. And now that I've found the other character in real life, I can now "truly" continue the story. But then it seemed that the other main character is different from what he was before. Or that maybe I (the main character) was mistaken... I really dont know now. As much as I wanted to check if the story that I've written is true, I'm afraid to know that I'm mistaken all along. Plus I dont have the guts to ask the Romeo if he really liked Juliet. So as for now, though I know what the reality is, I am choosing to live by the fairytale I wrote and just wake-up maybe after a few days. haha. =]

Thanks.

Love and Peace!

MARRA =]

white t-shirt

2010-01-07T20:49:00.012+08:00

haha.... nakakatawa.

How do I explain this?

Whenever my crush (general) or someone interesting wears a plain white t-shirt, I get attracted to or interested in him more. haha.. I dont know how a white shirt can be so magical for me.. weird ko.. ayun kasi yung napansin ko sa sarili ko since then, white shirt does it all. haha =]

got the pic from google (of course)

Thanks.

Love and Peace!

MARRA =]

DEADTIME (2008)

2010-01-06T08:57:00.001+08:00

Two hundred words spoken
Only three were understood
The I that lived long enough
The love that’s kept to bloom
To you who’s estranged
I silently speak to the one unknown
Telling him not to come
For the words waiting to be said
Should just be buried
Is this fear?
Of what these words may bring?
Is this restriction?
Keeping myself away
Keeping others away
Just keeping myself
Just

It has been long enough
The long wait should’ve been over
The I should’ve just slept
For everytime I shout silently
I am always at lost of words
For no one can hear my silent cries
No one will bother
To look down from high
I see the I standing tall feeling less
Not that she’s alone
No
Are there heroes living today?
Hero to seek my words
To seek the I
They’re gone.
I will forever sleep in my silent cries.

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

goal?

2010-01-05T21:37:00.002+08:00

If asked what is my goal in life? My answer will always be, "TO MAKE HER PROUD".

And who is that "her"? E sino pa ba? Syempre ang aking butihing ina. haha.

As far as I can remember (errrrr), I can not remember (haha) any real goal in life. haha

And for this one (To MYMP), I've just thought of it last year or two years ago. I guess, this might be my goal in my subconscious since way back.

My brother and my mom has a better relationship than mom and I. I guess its just that they understand each other more. And also because I'm a little bit distant. But dont get me wrong, my relationship with my mom is great. I am happy and fine with it. This (relationship with mom) has always been like this, that is why I feel that I should give everything back to her.... That is why my ultimate goal is to make her proud.

She provides everything and gives her all to us. I can't ask for anything more. I'm contented thats why I dont demand and ask much everytime she comes home because everything that she's done for us (her kids) is more than enough.

This is not a drama post. This is a fact that I should have thought of many many years ago.

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

2010-01-04T22:51:00.001+08:00

"Yes, they may not have loved me (yet),

but God did.

And that's all that matters."

Picture from google.

Quotation from the book "Young Women on the Journey".

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

airports and hospitals

2010-01-04T22:31:00.001+08:00

Balik Vietnam na naman si Mama kanina. Syempre hinatid namin siya ng brother ko sa Terminal 3.

Whenever I go to airports and hospitals, I have this "dislike" feeling. It is as if both are venues for goodbyes. That simple. haha.

How ironic that I want(ed) to be a doctor and a flight attendant when I don't have good feelings in the respective workplaces of those occupations. haha.

Pictures below are from google.

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
MARRA =]

famlove

2010-01-04T21:55:00.000+08:00

The last quarter of the year (every year) has always been my favorite. It is because most of my relatives abroad come home and spend the holidays with us. And of course, mom also comes home.

I love family gatherings errrr family lunch and dinners. Apart from the (always) great food, I love it when we talk about everything. Discuss may be the better term (I think). Since mom's side, the Felicitas side lives the nearest to us amongst our relatives in NCR, we usually spend our time with them.

Yesterday, January 3, we had dinner in Manuela (Lola Merriam's house). Living there now are Tito Roy's Family (thats Tita Melody and the kids, Jarok and Kaira), Tita Chel and her husband Tito Cleven; and Tito Dave. Tito Roy will be coming back to the States on January 5 while mom's flight back to Vietnam is tonight so we had our last dinner there together before they go back to their respective (foreign) homes. haha. Tito Roy bought Ribs and Chicken for dinner. We ate (literally) outside the house with all their kittens watching and the churchgoers passing by (since the Church is just next door, haha). And with the food syempre ay lots of kwentuhans, tawanans and everything. We were all full when my cousin Jarok said that he wants to buy something near the church, then mom gave them money. Jarok and my brother bought 100 pesos worth kikiams and kwek-kwek. haha. Hindi pa kami natutunawan, kain na naman. Hahaha... And then after a few minutes, Tito Roy borrowed the car key and said that he'll just buy something sa Ministop. And when he came back, ah-lah, 2 gallons of ice cream. Great. Waaaahhhh. And so kain kain kain... And we all ended the night bundat. Hahahha...

I love being with my relatives. Super. Everyone naman malamang e. Its just that I get more bibbo when I'm with them. I love them... grrrr...

I dont have pictures of our dinner yesterday. Pictures below are those of in Tagaytay nang biglang magkayayaang magdinner dun last December.

Tita Gie(mom's cousin), Tita Melody (mom's hipag), Kaira (mom's niece, Tito Roy's daughter), Lola Gonyang (Papang Johnny's cousin), Mom, Chocks (brother), Tito Dave (mom's cousin), Tito Roy(mom's brother) and ME

Thanks.

Love and Peace!

Marra =]

TROOPS

2010-01-03T11:29:00.000+08:00

TROOPS

They are my closest friends. Barkada ko. haha. We got the name TROOPS from our Biology teacher in second year highschool, Sir Ronald. Ganto kasi yun, it was a day before our Periodical Exams, I left my notebook under my armchair. Sir Ronald found it and gave it to Paul and Loise since he cant seem to find me that afternoon. And he said, "sabihin nyo sa mga TROOPS nyo, mag-aral mabuti ha!" .. That was his tagline, "Class, aral mabuti ha?!" haha.. He might have wanted to say na sabihin nyo sa tropa or sa mga kabarkada nyo na mag-aral mabuti since I guess, he kind of (or might have) liked our group more than others.. ahahaha.. and that's how the name TROOPS was born.

December 23, 2007 at Tifany's house (our headquarters) haha

Chescka, Tifany, Paul, Ac, Marra (Me), Loise, Angelique.

Peachy not in the picture, she's already in Canada.

September 15, 2006 at Peachy's (with the glasses) house.

Its her despedida party with the us because they'll be migrating (then) to Canada.

Chescka not in the picture, she was in Quezon City

***We(People in general) have lots of friends, say childhood friends, gradeschool friends, highschool and college friends and friends after school (those of the so-called real world) but there will be always one group or say few number of friends that you know you'll be closest to for the rest of your life. And as for mine, here they are, the people up there in the photos. =]

When I was in highschool, my world basically revolved around them alone (apart from my family and relatives of course), but when the senior year came, I've learned to open myself and had gotten close to other people or other friends. I gained more friendships of course. But then, there's always those good old friends that you'll be coming back to. I love them. I love Troops no matter how others talk bad about us behind our backs.

Thanks.

Love and Peace!

Marra =]

starting 2010

2010-01-03T11:04:00.000+08:00

It has been (I think) 3 or 4 Januaries now that Nika & I meet to start our new year. Haha. The first one was when we were still in college, maybe 2nd or 3rd year college. First it was for going to the gym at RFC Molino and doing Aero.. ahha.. and syempre, sa una lang kami magaling so I guess we just lasted for about 3 months. Then I can't remember what we did January of 2008. Last year, January 2009, again Ate Shawi (Nika's sister), who has been introducing us to our "something new to do" every January brought us to Southmall to try wall climbing which she already has started doing late December 2008. So there, last year we started climbing. Nika and Ate Shawi were the ones who were masipag. They (somehow) always made it sure that they climb at least once a week. haha.. pero syempre, it didnt last, it went down to once a month. But then, buti pa nga sila e. E ako, for the whole year, I guess I only had 5 times of going there to climb. haha..

SO for this year, 2010, Nek & I went there to climb again. ahhaha. Ate Shawi was not with us kasi she has work. Egon went instead but he didn't want to climb.

I hope this year e magawa na namin ni Nek na weekly or at least once every two weeks ang magclimb.. haha.. We missed wallclimbing sobra. haha

We dont have pictures while up on the wall because Egon wasnt there to take it and Nek's cam has no battery. Haha.

So we are starting off 2010 with this one again. =]

Thanks.
Love and Peace!
Marra =]

2010

2010-01-01T13:33:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year!!!

superboink

2009-12-27T01:04:00.000+08:00

My Superboink mode is on again. I'm hiding through this superpig hero.

And why? I want to start my 2010 right by being positive which is by the way not so me. But then I can't refrain from being negative again and again and again.

Having the lowest self-esteem on Earth is tiring. Though I want to love, to be contented and to accept myself, I dont know why I couldnt last doing so. I just can't be positive. I also look down at myself.

I hate being like this but I dont know why I cant help it.

Can someone teach me how I can love myself more?

yikes

2009-12-22T18:45:00.000+08:00

This blog is fool of "feelings"..

errrr...

nakakasuka na pala minsan..

ahahahaha

detective conan

2009-12-19T23:46:00.000+08:00

I am but a good stalker and investigator. I could be a detective.. haha..

Since highschool, I've been very good with collecting and knowing facts of people even if I do not know them personally. Thanks of course to technology for making this easier for me. haha.. I most of the time do this when I've been wanting to know things about someone I'm interested with.. haha. crush..

Back in highschool I did a great job and now after college, I'm surprised that I am still very good at this so-called "stalking".. This is weird. I'm weird..

I have a crush that I really do not know personally. I only saw him in school before.. haha.. And with all my will (?), I've pretty much found out (personal) things about him. Everything I need to know. haha..

Detective Conan, move over!

And realizing this, it only goes to show how interested I am in a person especially those that I do not know personally. I take extra time and effort to do the research. Sometimes I even did one for a friend, and my research made her somehow happy..

But now, I am starting to get sad about this thing, especially to my present "research topic" (not-so-good term to use). I think I've known so much about you and your background (NBI agent? haha), but then I haven't been able to do the simplest thing that should be done, to be your friend. So what is the sense of my researches if nothing pushes through. And so if I know now a lot of things about you? What good does it do to me?! Now, I am getting sad.

Feels a lot of time, effort and feelings wasted.

Here again, the loser that I am.

to dream the impossible dream

2009-12-19T17:55:00.000+08:00

hahaha...

I have this feeling again of wanting to achieve more. haha. I dont know if its envy or inspiration, but everytime I see someone I know or any acquaintance or even a stranger as a doctor, I feel that I want to be like him/her.. I dont know if its for medicine only.. But then, most likely. hhaha.. I want to obtain higher education. Masterals? Medical School? What?!

Let's see:

For Medical School. haha. No sponsor. My mom does not want me to go on medical school. "Hindi nya daw ako kaya paaralin". Ok. Then ask for scholarship, haha, with the grades I had in college, I am not legit for any scholarship no. =]

Any other Masteral degree... I dont know. Pproblemahin ko pa anong field.

stop thinking! boom.

and then?

2009-12-18T15:03:00.000+08:00

and what's next if in case I've proved myself right that "it" was me in that status? And so what?!

Life's different now.

It'll be nonsense anyway!

not so good night

2009-12-18T01:06:00.000+08:00

Nakakainis. I can't sleep. I tried sleeping na nga. Usually, what I do is I listen to the radio then nakakatulog nako ng kusa. But this night is different. Kainis! Hindi paren ako tulog. Plus maingay pa yung aso so I went out to check why, yun pala there were 2 cats fighting. Ayun, lalong hindi nako nakatulog. And now, I'm online again with no trace of sleepiness in me. Kainis!.. hahaha..

And one more thing, I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking of that facebook status of someone but it was dated last September pa.. Haha.. Ansakit sa ulo. Pechay.

I know I imagine, assume and daydream a lot. I know what's false from true. And this time, super lakas ng pakiramdam ko na somehow "that" was me. haha.. Laugh at me now pero lakas ng feeling ko na yun yun e.

If I can only ask directly if it was me.. haha.. dream on pechay!

Maybe

2009-12-08T19:54:00.000+08:00

Maybe I don't deserve to be loved...

Maybe that is why no one is coming along...

Maybe I have realized this way back,

and maybe I am right after all.

crazy

2009-12-01T10:05:00.000+08:00

hmmm.. I dont open myself to people, yung kunwari irereto and all. I am afraid to be not liked and am afraid to know that I will not be liked so I dont try at all. Parang masakit yun at mahirap, e kasi naman, ang baba na nga ng tingin ko sa sarili ko, mas bababa pa pag nagkaganun..

I wonder why I was born negative. I can't help it. The mirror always tells the truth. All physical. Too shallow indeed but that is how it is.

I hate myself for always thinking this way. I am sorry

College of Science Loves

2009-11-28T07:28:00.000+08:00

In Science Week of 2007, I was a part of the documentation team headed by my classmate Nikki. We took videos and pictures of the events that week. After, we took clips of Science teachers for their general assembly that year. I compiled what I have. Sayang, wala kami ng kanila Ma'am Carson at Sir Garcia..

Remember?

2009-11-28T07:06:00.002+08:00

How can I be possibly dumb thinking that someone will remember me when I am not even sure if he knows me at all? Haha..

I had a crush before, way back in college. We were not even friends. Back then I thought that there was something (which by the way seems and is impossible because WE DONT EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER PERSONALLY). Credit all to my mind and maybe my imagination that I have perceived things of the past wrongly.

Any way, this time, I have found a way to somehow be friends with him and I then found out that he really doesnt know me. Therefore, having this, I am confirming that there wasn't really something. Thanks imagination, you blew it off for me again.

Haha.. Marra, when will you ever learn. It is not even possible that somebody will like you. So just back off (talking to myself. haha. pechay)

P.S. I made everything for him to remember me, but then maybe I was really wrong. Haaaayyy...

The consolation is that somehow, I'm friends with him na. It is enough. Anyway, I am not even sure now if I am just drooling over the things that I thought that happened in the past and not what it is now. Chill..

better

2009-11-12T09:05:00.000+08:00

ok. though things may not come or happened (haha, present and past) as I view/ed it to be, but then I am fine with it now. haha.

=[

2009-11-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

haaayy. Im a bit sad. I want this "something". But then, one of the people I love doesn't seem to support or want it also for me. So I guess I am not getting that "something" anymore. Haha.. I'm getting really sad now.

not good

2009-11-06T21:57:00.001+08:00

I was looking for you long enough. And now that I have somehow found a way to know you, I want to stop, because this thing is not helping me anymore. You dont even know me right? How come I have gotten to like a stranger. What kind of person am I to be like this. I pity myself really. Poor girl. How can I have come to be like this.

Dear God, may I have a heart who worries no more for this petty things. May I have a heart who only seeks for you and not for anyone else. I hate what I am being now. I am sorry. =[

some things and people make me sad.

2009-10-30T21:56:00.000+08:00

and so I am wrong again.

Were all of it just part of my imagination?

It has been years yet, memories are so vivid.

I was even able to write things that happened before that "something unexpected" happened to you.

This is making me sad now ha.

I thought that my story can eventually turn to play but then I am not lucky again.

Good job pechay. Indeed a writer just put on stories which most likely can't be put to life.

I am officially sad.

ago and tomorrow

2009-10-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

do you believe that people can both like each other even though they dont know each other?

not friends..

not even a friend's friend..

just when they look at each other everyday, there is this something between them that only they can understand..

here is a story..

characters: HEB --> the guy

SAM --> the girl

Heb is a sophomore taking up a course that's taken by few in their college. He is tall. Some of his classmates say that he looks like Superman. He seldom smiles, maybe just when he is with his classmates. He literally has this towering presence. He is a silent type when with others other than his classmates. He is a part of the college's student journal. He is an artist. He draws well.

Sam is a junior taking up a course that is most likely taken by soon to be MDs. She is tall. Her looks is ordinary but her ways are not typical for a girl, yet, she is a girl. She only smiles and laughs hard when she's with her classmates. When she's walking in corridors, she often looks down in order to not meet other people's eyes.

They dont know each other. They even dont know that the other exist.. Not until a semester came. One of Heb's classmate, who's a new student (which makes him irregular) became Sam's classmate in one subject. Because of that, Sam realized and finally knew that Heb's block existed.. [haha] Their schedule that semester was, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Heb's class stays in a room at 9-10 and 11-12, while Sam's schedule on that same room was 10-11. So basically, they see each other when they go in & out of that room.. It was because of everytime they change room that they noticed each other. And then, the semester ended just like that.

The next semester was different. They didnt have the same room anymore. They just saw each other whenever they pass by the corridors.. Just glances. stolen glances. thats all they've got. Until January....

to be continued...

bum

2009-09-22T10:37:00.000+08:00

a while ago I wanted to blogs things about my dad. he was just here. and now im off to no speech. goodbye. it was just a rush and some sort of burst. its all gone now.

love God

2009-09-16T20:54:00.001+08:00

God loves me as I am. =]

2009-09-16T20:25:00.000+08:00

recap [and again]

wednesday off this week. so what did I do? I got up at about 8:30 and started to do the laundry. Then while the washing machine is doing its deed, I "cleaned" and "organized" my closet. Full of clothes, mom's and mine. Lots of clothes that I used to wear, and now, most dont fit me anymore. Poor me. Taget: to wear my old clothes again. huhuhu.. anyway!

Cooked lunch and cleaned the sala. Then at about 3pm, I went to Pag-ibig then to the the mananahi to have a new uniform sewed and then dumiretso sa palengke to buy Bangus, Tilapia, Mais, Kamatis, Kalamansi and Onion. My last stop was Puregold to buy some stuff. Hobby, going to the grocery store: PUREGOLD.

Thinking that I have been living alone for a year now [my mom is in Vietnam and comes how once in a while; and my brother is in his apartment/dorm during weekdays and comes home usually during Sundays and is here during his one-week vacation during the end of the terms], makes me feel sad. I haven't been better. I think I became more lazy. ahahaha... Since mom went abroad in 2007, I took care of everything, money matters, documents etc.

Wait.... I will have to stop here first. bye

inspired and envious

2009-09-02T21:38:00.000+08:00

i feel that my hands are getting weak and so is my mind and the heart that goes with it.
they haven't been used for a long time so i think they need a little oil to start again.
anyway, inspiration comes now and then, and for now, sleep is what these hands, this mind and this heart is looking for. tomorrow they'll be busy feeding the feeds. ahaha..

goodnight

buzz

2009-08-11T10:39:00.000+08:00

wake-up marra.

love marra

2009-07-20T19:39:00.000+08:00

I really dont want to blog now.. But then I logged-in here, so there, I am typing a blog post..

Hahaha.. I want to feel contented. I wan to learn to love myself. I really dont want to change myself, I just want to learn to love and embrace what I am now.

sad.
gnyt. short post.

sunday rain

2009-07-12T08:35:00.000+08:00

I alarmed my phone at 7am but then I woke up at 8. SHooosh. My brother isnt home. He tld me yesterday that he'll be coming home midnight but then now, he's still not here.. Oh well, so I ate his Cheeseburger deluxe.. haha.. Grabe, it wasnt even ten minutes since I woke up and then I am eating again. Grrrr..

I want to hate food. But they dont hate me. They love me..

I feel that my Sunday morning is/was wasted. I am scheduled to go to the gym now to do some cardios only but since Chocks [brother] told me that he'll be enrolling to Socialite today, I told him that I'd go with him. GRrrr.. And now he's not yet home and its too late to go to the gym and its raining pa... What to do? Facebook and blog lang ang ginagawa ko.. haaaayyy..

I want to blog everytime, but I might always blog about me so I try not to do it everyday..

Dear Lord, please give me the confidence that I lack and I need in life. Its all up to Us right? I am sorry.

night hurt

2009-07-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

What to do if I look like this? Do I need to change so as to avoid being teased?

Haaayyy.. From then on, my defense everytime my friends, classmates and [now] my officemates tease me regarding my body [i.e how big my arms are, how macho my body is, how masculine my body is.. etc.] is that I just laugh at them, get along, nakikisakay lng everytime and minsan ginagatungan ko pa ang insulto sa sarili ko.. But I think that defense is hurting me already.. Now, I am hurt everytime niloloko nila ako. I just dont make it obvious.. haaaayyy.. what to do e ganto talaga katawan ko e..

People dont know that despite this huge body that I have, I look at myself so small, so low. Yes, I have the least self-esteem in the world a person could have.. I dont believe in myself. What's there to believe in anyway?

Everytime, I want to be positive, to be happy. But I always end up disappointed and back to my old negative self.

I dont know what is the cure to this low self-confidence, low self-esteem and low self-worth that I have..

I dont hope that they'll realize that they're hurting me already because I know they dont..

Ouch ouch ouch. Sakit. sakit. wala ka na ngang tiwala sa sarili mo, mababa na nga ang tingin mo sa sarili mo, dadagdagan pa nila ng panlalait at pang-aasar araw-araw..

Gusto ko ng mapuno. But then I always keep it to myself. I am the forever-forgiving Marra.

Ansakit na talaga..

shoo shoo shoo

2009-07-10T20:29:00.000+08:00

i have a cut in each hand. The first cut is in my ring finger in my left hand, cut by a knife while chopping onions. The second cut is in my index finger in my right hand, I dont know where I got it, a while ago, I just felt some pain and booommm... there's a cut pala.. haha.. ARAY.. ang sakit tuloy.. ang hirap magtype..

When I was looking at Kathleen's profile in facebook, I read the "I choose to be happy" in her all about me.. And that line makes me think.. Happiness is really a choice. And I will be bound to it also if I'll choose to. But looking at the me now, seems like I chose not to be happy.. I want to get this negativity off me.. I want positive vibes.. I wanna be positive.. arrrrggg... shoo shoo shoo....

yah

2009-07-10T15:11:00.000+08:00

Its a Friday. and oh well, my day-off.

I didnt go to Manuela to practice my driving. I didnt go to Toyota Commonwealth to get the car plate. I just stayed home, do some chores and surf the net all day. It rained a while ago..

I am chatting with my mom now with the YM.

For me, Friday is the end of my week because its my "rest day". So now, I'll "recap" what has happened this past week. haha.

Saturday, I went to Manuela to practice driving. Tito Dave said that I still can't drive in the highways. I've got problems with the "hanging" and with the break.. arggghh.. When will I get better? ahha..

Monday, I didnt go to the gym even though it was in my schedule because I was very excited watching Guji at Bud Brothers. By the way, Guji Lorenzana is my celebrity crush now. He is a new artist, a singer, a theater actor and a radio DJ at Mellow 94.7 every Saturdays and Sundays at 5pm-8pm. And I practiced my driving again and Tito Dave & I went to Tita Loleth's house to get the "padala" from mama and to give my "padala" for mama.

Tuesday-Thursday, I went to the gym..

haaaayyy..

How boring can my life get huh?! hahaha

***I wanna talk about my work. I am on my 9th month working at Century Park Hotel and I am still a Casual Employee. I have a senior who's been working there for 1 year now and still, she's just like me. And because of this, my mom told me to apply for other hotels. haaaayyy..
I really dont know. I have no problems with my officemates [even though the boys always tease me as macho, malaki katawan and so on]. I've made friends with them. But then, the problem [?] really is that my work there is not stable. There is a very slim chance for me to be on probation because I still have a senior who should be first, and also because of the hotel renovation that will be pushing through sometime soon. Cost-cutting.. haaayy.. I am sad.

There was a time last week that I was very very bibbo. As in from morning, I greeted people Good Morning, I smiled widely, I sang... But later that morning I felt sad when I learned that someone who can be considered my junior will get ahead of me, of us... I have no offense to that person. It was just saddening knowing that there's a near chance for that person.. and not for us [me and my senior], not for me.. Reality's getting on me now. As much as I want to hope to not leave, situations tell me to. This is my first work, first officemates, first pay... Its just so sad to think that I might not be able to continue with this work, working with these people anymore anytime soon, in months time... I just hope to have a miracle... May there be a reason for me to stay.. I wish. I pray.. But then, I should grow also, maybe alone, maybe away... And that growth that I am looking for might not be found where I am now...

-end of post-

another me-post

2009-07-03T12:50:00.001+08:00

Hmmm.... si Swit, my officemate e pinablind date ni Sir Poch [supervisor sa reception] sa friend nya.. ayun.. So my officemates asked me why dont I try also.. Sabi ko ayoko.. haha.. Ayoko naman talaga.. Takot.. Yeah yeah yeah.. I am afraid..

I am afraid to be rejected.. Yung tipong hindi nila ako magugustuhan because of my itsura.. I mean, hello, ang macho ko, ang laki ko... San ka pa.. Its basically that... I am not confident that someone would and could like me. I was never confident about it. haaaayy.. what have self-esteem made of me? I lost it all.. hohohoho.. so emo Marra..

I am afraid to be rejected so I dont even dare try loving..
boring as it is, boring as I am, that's my belief.. haha..

I'm going down..

arrrrggg... bye for now blog. I'll watch transformers later with my bestfriends Paul and Chest.

oh!

2009-06-06T21:31:00.000+08:00

I am afraid to look for you because the "you" that I am looking for might not be found.

pictures

2009-05-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

I hate pictures, my pictures.. They lie.. I often look good and slimmer in my pictures.. But when you see me in person, you'll get disappointed.. Couple of times have I received comments of those who sees me the first time, asking why do I look different in pictures? "I thought she's slim , thats what I've seen in her pictures".... I am way too big in person.. Haha.. I often laugh it out but then everytime I do that, the more I feel the hurt.. I know its all true.. and thats why it hurts.. so I am hating pictures for now. Aish..

uhmmss

2009-05-27T21:02:00.000+08:00

I don't want to waste my time being like this. I wanna make myself better. Live my life better and happier..

a nonsense post.

tinapa dinner

2009-05-27T17:56:00.000+08:00

it has been awhile since i posted something here.. it was what? more than a month. i knew i can't keep up with blogging. A tape recorder would have been better though, handy and low-tech.. haha..

Today is May 27, my Lolo Arthur's birthday [Dad's father].

My Papang Johnny [Mom's dad] whom I havent seen for 17 years went home for a vacation for a month. He arrived April 28. ahaha.. and now, he'll be coming back to Seattle in just 5 days.. haaayy.. I was in my happiest when I saw him finally [again], though it wasnt evident. He is my favorite person in the world besides mom because she's a given [haha]. Mom's coming back tomorrow [28th] and then we'll go to Toyota Commonwealth to pay the downpayment for the car and get it also. Haha.. We'll have a car na but I dont know how to drive yet. Maybe next week I will be able to enroll in a driving school in Las Pinas where my aunts and uncles went to also. So I think, I would be able to drive "my/our" car alone on July. haha..

And so... I have grown wider.. I'm hating eating but I still dont control myself from it. I still boast that I eat a lot and show-off how large the amount of food I consume. It is unbearable. I am sinning. Gluttony.. I should change but I'm always losing to gluttony. I have no defense. ahaha.. Marra Glutton.. I should try to eat right and to move more. I dont want to still be like this when I turn 22 on August... I should have a plan, a master plan...

And how's work? I dont really know.. ahaha.. I'm fine.. Its fine.. haaayy.. It still feels awkard when I am on the same duty with Swit, my officemate. We were very close before. She was even my closest when Jinny left. Then one day, she was very silent. She just read a book about human anatomy. That silence went on for 2 weeks straight. And then she went back to talking again.. BUt then she's not as "bibbo" or as makwento as before. We dont really talk now. Only if it is related to work or something. I really dont know what happened to her. I dont even know if I did something. I miss the old Swit, the Swit who talks more, smiles more.. anyway..

haha..

I want something new this June.. something new to do besides driving..

that's it for now.. I'll cook dinner first.. tinapa + kamatis + itlog + kanin.. sarappppp

saka na muna.

2009-04-25T11:18:00.000+08:00

haha.. a while ago I was so excited about things I will and wont do from now on. haha.. but then, I am chatting with my mom now, so this "from now on" post will have to be made for the next few days..

thursday.. haha..

2009-04-23T17:49:00.000+08:00

It is my day-off.. haha.. and this entry is just my second post.. The first one was last February..

Whenever it is my rest day, I don't get to really rest at home.. It is more of my household chores day.. I do the laundry, I clean the house, I cook, watch television and of course surf the net. I think my day-off is my busiest day of the week. anyway... haha

As I scheduled, I was supposed to go to Puregold and buy groceries.. but then, I got lazy and rescheduled it for tomorrow, and so, my original schedule for tomorrow was rescheduled to Saturday.. haha.. I am supposed to go to Manuela tomorrow after work to buy cake for my kid cousins and eat dinner there. But then, since I got lazy today, everything was moved. haha

It has been raining these past few days, so yesterday, I decided to bring our dirty clothes to the laundry shop instead of doing my laundry today since I was worried that the clothes might not dry fast because of the rain.. haaay.. and so, today, I was only left to wash underwears, few of my brother's wet shirts [sweat wet. yuck. haha] and a pair of my uniform... haha

This morning I was loading My Lucky Star, a Taiwanese drama, but then I got bored because of the poor copy so I decided not to watch. Instead, I looked for links of Gilmore Girls and movies like Pride & Prejudice and What a Girl Wants [which are some of my favorites]. I loaded them, Gilmore Girls' Season 1 episodes and the 2 movies. But it turned out [syempre] that Gilmore Girls stopped from loading so I just watched my two movies.. so there... Keira Knightley is really beautiful.. She reminds me of Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.. They dont look alike.. haha.. but then, they're beauty are all so simple and I think it is what beauty is all about.. haha..

Moving on, I haven't talked to my boy bestfriend Paul since Thursday morning last week. When I called his home a while ago, Girlie or one of his cousins [which I dont know the name] said that he wasnt home and that he's off to Aurora tomorrow and that he wont be coming home today.. Whoaw.. He's really busy.. I envy his adventures and everything.. And I am just so proud of him.. My girl bestfriend Chescka is busy with work.. =] haha...

Mom and my Papang [mom's dad] will come home on Tuesday. Mom will come from Vietnam and Papang, from the US. Mom just came home last February while it is just Papang's first time since he left on 1994 [I think]. I am kinda excited because both of them will come home. I hope Tito Roy [mom's brother] could also, but then he has work. It should've been a really nice reunion coz my Papang's brother is here in the Philippines also.. haha... Will just have to wait for a few days.. haha..

My short hair's gone longer in just two weeks.. grrr... and its getting harder to maintain it.. I can't tie my hair the way I want it.. I miss my long hair.. but then, I am fine with a shorter hair because I look different... haha..

Every paragraph ends with "haha". Aish.. haha...

=]

-end of day-

wednesday

2009-02-25T22:06:00.000+08:00

It is now 10:10pm. I usually go to bed by 9pm when my work the next day is at 6:30 in the morning. Since today is my day-off, guess I may "not" go with my schedule, and besides I had a late siesta kanina. I wrote everything that I should do today, but then I guess the "washing of clothes" part was the only chore fulfilled, and the rest is of course "postponed" again and again because I chose to slack and watch Boys Before Flowers. haha.. I miss watching my "ChiKorTaiJap", my addiction. So my every day-off which is by the way always Wednesday is dedicated to watching my Asian Series.

I've talked to my best ko na boy today, Paul. I told him that I think, only he, within the three of us [Paul, Chescka and I] can fulfill the sort of pact or deal we had last year. Paul and Chescka are my bestfriends by the way. One time when we were at Greenwich SM Manila, we wrote our pact/deal in 3 tissue papers so that all of us would have a copy.

readable eh?

haaaayy.. I wish [at the moment]:

Chescka to be happy. errr.. for her heart to be happy and for it to forget "that" person. It has been years already.. but then, I guess that's love [which by the way, I wont fully understand unless I'll have it for myself.. hehe]
Paul to continue these things that he's been doing. I'm so proud of what he's been. I can say that Paul would be more important than my "boyfriend-to-be". haha. Go go go Doc Paul RN.
Me to be just fine. Be happy in what I have and not seek for what I don't.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love everyone who loves me.. and some who don't. haha This post is a little mushy for a starter e... got to sleep now.