superboink

My Superboink mode is on again. I'm hiding through this superpig hero.

And why? I want to start my 2010 right by being positive which is by the way not so me. But then I can't refrain from being negative again and again and again.

Having the lowest self-esteem on Earth is tiring. Though I want to love, to be contented and to accept myself, I dont know why I couldnt last doing so. I just can't be positive. I also look down at myself.

I hate being like this but I dont know why I cant help it.

Can someone teach me how I can love myself more?

yikes

This blog is fool of "feelings"..

errrr...

nakakasuka na pala minsan..

ahahahaha

detective conan

I am but a good stalker and investigator. I could be a detective.. haha..

Since highschool, I've been very good with collecting and knowing facts of people even if I do not know them personally. Thanks of course to technology for making this easier for me. haha.. I most of the time do this when I've been wanting to know things about someone I'm interested with.. haha. crush..

Back in highschool I did a great job and now after college, I'm surprised that I am still very good at this so-called "stalking".. This is weird. I'm weird..

I have a crush that I really do not know personally. I only saw him in school before.. haha.. And with all my will (?), I've pretty much found out (personal) things about him. Everything I need to know. haha..

Detective Conan, move over!

And realizing this, it only goes to show how interested I am in a person especially those that I do not know personally. I take extra time and effort to do the research. Sometimes I even did one for a friend, and my research made her somehow happy..

But now, I am starting to get sad about this thing, especially to my present "research topic" (not-so-good term to use). I think I've known so much about you and your background (NBI agent? haha), but then I haven't been able to do the simplest thing that should be done, to be your friend. So what is the sense of my researches if nothing pushes through. And so if I know now a lot of things about you? What good does it do to me?! Now, I am getting sad.

Feels a lot of time, effort and feelings wasted.

Here again, the loser that I am.

to dream the impossible dream

hahaha...

I have this feeling again of wanting to achieve more. haha. I dont know if its envy or inspiration, but everytime I see someone I know or any acquaintance or even a stranger as a doctor, I feel that I want to be like him/her.. I dont know if its for medicine only.. But then, most likely. hhaha.. I want to obtain higher education. Masterals? Medical School? What?!

Let's see:

For Medical School. haha. No sponsor. My mom does not want me to go on medical school. "Hindi nya daw ako kaya paaralin". Ok. Then ask for scholarship, haha, with the grades I had in college, I am not legit for any scholarship no. =]

Any other Masteral degree... I dont know. Pproblemahin ko pa anong field.

stop thinking! boom.

and then?

and what's next if in case I've proved myself right that "it" was me in that status? And so what?!

Life's different now.

It'll be nonsense anyway!

not so good night

Nakakainis. I can't sleep. I tried sleeping na nga. Usually, what I do is I listen to the radio then nakakatulog nako ng kusa. But this night is different. Kainis! Hindi paren ako tulog. Plus maingay pa yung aso so I went out to check why, yun pala there were 2 cats fighting. Ayun, lalong hindi nako nakatulog. And now, I'm online again with no trace of sleepiness in me. Kainis!.. hahaha..

And one more thing, I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking of that facebook status of someone but it was dated last September pa.. Haha.. Ansakit sa ulo. Pechay.

I know I imagine, assume and daydream a lot. I know what's false from true. And this time, super lakas ng pakiramdam ko na somehow "that" was me. haha.. Laugh at me now pero lakas ng feeling ko na yun yun e.

If I can only ask directly if it was me.. haha.. dream on pechay!

Maybe

Maybe I don't deserve to be loved...

Maybe that is why no one is coming along...

Maybe I have realized this way back,

and maybe I am right after all.

crazy

hmmm.. I dont open myself to people, yung kunwari irereto and all. I am afraid to be not liked and am afraid to know that I will not be liked so I dont try at all. Parang masakit yun at mahirap, e kasi naman, ang baba na nga ng tingin ko sa sarili ko, mas bababa pa pag nagkaganun..

I wonder why I was born negative. I can't help it. The mirror always tells the truth. All physical. Too shallow indeed but that is how it is.

I hate myself for always thinking this way. I am sorry