sumbong sumbong kay blog

hindi ako makatulog. or hindi ako matahimik. or hindi ko pa talaga tri-ny matulog. kasi alam kong hindi naman ako makakatulog. haha. alam ko na agad e hindi ko pa sinusubukan? basta ganun yun.

about 15 minutes ago, i talked to my mom thru facebook-skype videocall. we had exchanges of loud voices (aka sigawan). we were not fighting, we were just explaining to each other which looked like we really were fighting. i let her question me first, lots of "why(s) and how(s). her voice was high and loud. i sort-of got pissed off and emotional (teary-eyed konti) at the same time because i was frustrated that she can't understand what i was telling her. the topic was not really worth fighting for. HAHA. we argued. 

now, masakit ang lalamunan ko at uneasy ang feeling ko because of what happened. hindi naman namin kinailangan magbati kasi hindi naman kammi nag-away talaga. we were just explaining to each other pero sigawan. this is the first time that this happened. ang sakit talaga ng lalamunan ko. hindi naman ako masigaw na tao, lalong-lalo na sa nanay ko. nalulungkot lang ako kasi kinailangan pa namin magsigawan. after the videocall, nagchat pa rin naman kami. ok naman kami. 

i really don't know if we needed that "sigawan" to understand each other, pero ayaw ko talaga nun. ayaw ko na nasigawan ko si mama. okay lang naman na sigawan nya ako. kaya lang, napakafrustrating on my part na hindi nya ma-gets yung pinapaliwanag ko na hindi naman mali. 

hindi lang kasi talaga magtugma ang pinag-uusapan namin kanina.

it just feels ironic that i (slightly) made her cry because of my mother's day video tas ngayon nagsisigawan na kami. i can feel her gigil kanina. i felt my gigil also.

HAHA. nakakatawa. at least now, i speak up na, hindi na ako yung dating tahimik na lang at umiiyak at nagtatago. hindi ako sumasagot kay mama na pabalang. sumasagot lang ako sa mga sinasabi nya pag alam kong tama ako at dapat nya akong maintindihan.

funny that i dont want to sleep and i just want to let my tears flow. i wanted to eat chocolates but at the same time ayoko. ANO? gusto na ayaw? haha. ang weird ko talaga.

diary na diary ang blog ko e.

HAHA.

whut?

i am too careful because i am fickle-minded. i am fickle-minded because i am too careful. the blahs and booboos of an immaturely mature child

May 4, 2011

Exactly 1 year ago, PLM College of Medicine office released the results for the incoming freshmen of Batch 2015. One hundred fifty names were in the list. Out of 500 applicants, 30% were picked. My name was not in the first list. It was a heartbreaker. On this same day of last year (2011), I was crying very very very very hard. Not being picked by the  only Medical school you were praying, hoping and wishing for was really frustrating.

I cry a lot. I cry when I am sad, when I am happy, and even when without any reason at all. My tears fall when I lie in bed while leaning towards the side. It is weird but it happens, really. That news of not being accepted by PLM Medicine was a big blow to me. It was one of the nights that I felt that I could fill five gallons of mineral water (the big one for water dispenser). I cried to the Lord. I doubted myself so much. "Hindi ka pang-Medicine. Hindi ka na makakapag-doctor. Mahal sa ibang school. Mababa grades mo compared sa iba. Maraming mas magaling sayo kaya hindi ka natanggap." I was talking to myself. The hard part of that crying night was that I kept myself silent. I cried without anyone at home noticing. I cried without a sound. Definitely, it is harder than the normal crying (with sound and sniff and whatever). One of the nights I will forever remember.

BUT 

The Lord is really faithful. ANG GALING NYA! A month after that night, I found myself in the exact office where I didn't see my name on the list. I found myself enrolling at the school I was praying for, at the course I was thinking of, at the late bloomed dream I just realized. June 3, 2011, I was officially a first year medical student of the Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila. 

I applied for reconsideration (like other PLM Med hopefuls). The process was really a struggle. Much suspense and hardships before I finally got to have my slot. Good thing not all of those 150 in the list claimed their spots. Good thing that PLM have given the chance to other students.

I applied for San Beda too. I was admitted there. PERO mamumulubi naman nanay ko. 

Being accepted in PLM College of Medicine was one of the Lord's surprises to me last year. He even gave me a bonus gift, he provided me with a scholarship. Oh diba, ang galing talaga ni Lord! Sobra.

Looking back, I am still overwhelmed of everything that has happened to me. My imagination turned into reality. Those tears I cried that night, He got it all and showered me with His love.

Tears of three hundred sixty-five sunsets ago are smiles of three hundred sixty-five sunrise today.

BB to OS

A friend suggested the movie Beyond Borders. I watched the movie, got a little shocked, felt sad, sobrang inspired PERO it left me hanging with the question, "ANONG MAGAGAWA KO?". I mean, kahit konti, kahit ngayon pa lang na estudyante pa lang ako, ano na ang magagawa ko?

Allan and Paul directed (hahaha) me to join Operation Samaria (IVCF-MAP project). We'll be 10 Medicine students from PLM (syempre kasama si pinunong Allandale). Together with other med and non-med people from IVCF and MAP, we will go to Aguinaldo, Ifugao on May 21 and stay there for 12 days. Sabi, we will be going to 5 baranggays. Um-oo na ako kay Paul (just like how he commanded me to attend LCDC) at Allan (bilang siya naman na ang aming bagong presidente) nun e, matagal na. Usually, hindi naman talaga ako nag-iisip, oo lang ako as long as walang kasabay na ibang activities.

E ano naman ang connection ng Beyond Borders sa Operation Samaria? HAHA. Yung tanong na iniwan sa akin ng Beyond Borders ay masasagot ni Operation Samaria. I can not think of the future yet, of how I will be as a doctor, of how I can help people who are truly in need. Ngayon, I can only think of what I can do as a student pa lang. And as I said, OS 2012 will surely give me the answer I am looking for. Ang Ifugao ay isang malayo at mataas na lugar and obviously, malaki ang kakulangan ng healthcare sa lugar na yun. Ang swerte ko kasi magiging part ako nito.

But these past few days, I've been thinking twice of going. HINDI KO ALAM KUNG BAKIT pero parang half-hearted ako. I sent bossing Allan a facebook message with this, "Allandale! Sorry. I-open mo na lang sa iba yung slot ko sa OS. Half-hearted kasi ako sa pagpunta (at ayaw ko ng ganung feeling). Probably I am still not ready. So mas magandang ibigay na lang sa mga taong mas ready at mas deserving sa akin yung chance na makatulong at maexpose sa mga tao. Sorry ha."

I also sent him a text message. HAHA. Hindi ako sinagot ni Allan!

I really do not know why am I feeling this and I hate feeling this. Eto na e, this is a good chance na e, anong inaarte-arte ko pa?

PECHAY KA MARRA!

Pray!

ANG INIT!

ako na yata ang pinakairitableng tao ngayong araw na ito.

Pagkagising, wala agad internet.

Tapos napakainit ng panahon

Tapos wala akong maisuot papasok ng school

Tapos late na nakaalis ng bahay

Tapos walang masakyan na "PIER" na jeep papunta PLM

Tapos matagal ako nag-antay ng jeep na Pier nga though pwede naman ako sumakay ng ibang jeep tas maglalakad pa ako konti

Tapos napakainit pa habang nag-aantay ng jeep

Tapos na-late ako sa school. 8am dapat, dumating 8:20am na

Tapos tumunganga sa library kasi late yung librarian

Tapos nag-antay until 10am saka lang kami binigyan ng gagawin

Tapos nasira pa yung suot kong shoes

Tapos ang init pa rin

Tapos nakita ko na yung schedule ko for the first sem, ang pangit

Tapos bumili ako ng gamot, ang sungit nung pharmacist

Tapos sarado yung Zentea malapit sa UP Manila

Tapos napakainit ng panahon

Tapos ang taba ko na

Tapos ang init-init ng panahon

Ang dami kong rants. I was all frown the whole morning until I got home. Ang root lang naman ng lahat ng mga ito ay dahil NAPAKAINIT NG PANAHON! At dahil dun, nagsanga-sanga na.

But above this really hot weather, sa palagay ko, I am feeling this way because I have not touched the Lord much. May kulang talaga. Ibang-iba. Not that I have not prayed or did not read my MR, pero I think my time with Him ay pakonti na nang pakonti. One kuya in church asked once, "How many times have you touched the Lord today? If you can ount the times, then it is not enough. Kasi dapat, sa sobrang dami, dapat hindi mo na mabilang."

Kung puno ako ng Kristo sa akin, dapat, ni ang init ng araw at lahat ng mga bagat na napansin ko today ay dedma na!

pero congratulations sa iyo SUN (araw)! Ako ay taong matiisin sa init, kahit halos sa iba, ikamatay na nila ang init, ako, kaya ko pa at ang weird dun, ay naeenjoy ko ang init. PERO nairita mo ako ngayon sa kainitan mo. Naisip kong may hangganan pala talaga yung kakayanan kong tiisin ang kainitan mo.

ANG INIT!