PECHAY!

i did not sleep. i studied the neurophysiology cases that dr.km gave us, only to find out na hindi pala yung ang iqquiz mamaya. GREAT! Haha. ang kulet lang e.

random drama

i only have 1 month to fix my grades or else i'm dead.

these past few weeks, i've been thinking of the reason why i went back to studying. i graduated in 2008 and had already given up the thought of entering medical school. i got a job in a hotel and then transferred to another job in a resort which pays good. ok na ako e, maganda na ang trabaho ko, maayos naman ang buhay ko. but then, why in the world did i come back to studying and to top it up, i chose medicine pa. pinahirapan ko lang at ginulo ko ang buhay ko. haha. :P

medicine was a surprise given to me by the Lord. imagine, after 3 long years, who would have known that i would really become a medical student and eventually be a doctor. ang amazing ni Lord. truly, He gives the desires of our hearts in His perfect time.

going back to school from 3 years of no contact with any science book (or anything academic) was really hard for me. lots of adjustments to do until now. since the school year started,i've been struggling in school. i do not know if i am just really inferior to my classmates or i am just overwhelmed of everything in medicine. three shiftings have passed. i have subjects na delikado. and i am really afraid. i never failed any subject in college, my course was biology. pero kasi, medicine is different. napakahirap. nakakabaliw.

i have the whole february to fix my grades. i have the first three weeks of march for shifting exams and final exams. i really do not know if i'll still be alive by then. nakakapit pa din ako. still studying hard, still pushing harder. pero kahit anong gawin ko, bakit parang kulang pa rin? am i really not bright enough to get through this first year of medicine? adding to this downhill is my attitude. i am forever feeling inferior of myself. no matter what i do,i just can't believe in me. i've prayed, i've cried, i've tried thinking of positive things but then it's like there's an autoformat and default function to negativity. with this, i feel that i am lacking the Spirit. feeling this, i know that i am staying in the flesh. instead of continuing to look down on myself, feeling all worthless, i should seek Him first.

ang dami kong takot.
ang dami kong pag-aalala.
ang dami kong hindi masabing pangamba.
ang dami kong iniisip na hindi ko kaya.

my bestfriend paul told me na i am like this because i am building a wall to things.

haaaayy.


what i always remember is that, the Lord has placed me here. He wouldn't have given me this if it was not for me.


pechay. napakadrama ko talagang tao. nakakaumay ako.


naalala ko lang yung kanta sa isang recovery study group meeting namin sa church.

Go on, go on, go on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, go on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Trials may come and discouragements, too.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.
Yesterday's gone and His mercies are new.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Press on, press on, press on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, press on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must press on, press on in the Lord.

To worry is vain—He will care for Your needs.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.
Tomorrow's not here and it never may be.
You must go on, go on in the Lord.

Sail on, sail on, sail on in the Lord.
Be strengthened, sail on in the Lord.
Your labor is not in vain in the Lord.
You must sail on, sail on in the Lord.

You must sail on, sail on,
Press on, press on,
You must go on, and on in the Lord.

sabi ni Lord, go on lang marra. Do not look at the past, do not care first of the future, just go on.

nagspeak na si Lord sa akin. it is now up to me to live in this ka-negative-an ko or to go on in life with the Lord.

ang weird ko talaga. ang saya ko lang kanina blogging about my lolo and happy with the Gross Anatomy shifting exams and then nag-eemote na naman ako dito. ako lang kaya ang babaeng ganito? haha. pechay.

break ends here. mag-aral na ulet.

Pechay!

FINALLY

WALANG PAGSIDLANG KALIGAYAHAN. Naks!

My mom told me that Papang (mom's dad) will be coming home (Pilipinas) for good. Waaaah, upon hearing this, I wanted to cry.

facebook wallpost:"Meet my first love. Si Papang Johnny. (Lolo ko). First picture when I was 6 years old, then, I saw him again after 16 years na (2009). Nevertheless, I love him nasa US man siya o nasa Pinas, dahil lagi siyang nasa aking puso. ♥ ♥ ♥"

since birth, until before i started studying, i stayed in ilocos with my grandparents (mama's parents). my brother was with my parents in cubao while ako, playing the cute-little-apo-na-first-love-ng-grandparents sa probinsya. my lola was a gradeschool teacher. being the toddler apo, i was always tagged along in school wearing ternos. i was the only baby in our old filipino house that's why i was so much loved by my lolo and lola. i call them papang and mamang. i remember having my papang's elbow as my pacifier every night. papang made us (brother and I) personalized higaan (a sort-of pillows) that my brother kept until he was in gradeschool. those were the best years of my life (syempre bata pa ako nun). and then mamang died of heart attack. i was 3 years old then, i was very angry of my uncle(mom's brother) because i thought that he was the reason why my mamang died. at 3 years old, i shouted at him while crying, "pinatay mo si mamang. pinatay mo si mamang". that was my first heartbreak ever.

since papang was already alone, he decided to go to the states since his brother was already a citizen there. that was my second heartbreak. my lolo leaving me was the hardest thing my little heart experienced at that time (after mamang died). i think i cried a pool of tears (exag. haha). i know it was really hard for him to leave me, but he needed to continue with his life in a new environment and i already needed to study back then.

from then, until now, we communicate through phone calls and text messages.

i remember the summer before third year college, from biology, papang wanted me to shift to nursing. i was pushing that i will finish biology and pursue medicine, but he didnt want to. we talked in the phone for hours, me crying and him, trying to persuade me to shift. he was like, "if you become a nurse, you'll get the chance to see me and be with me here in the US. ayaw mo ba nun?". i nearly gave in.

he came home for a vacation last 2009. yes, after 16 years, i saw the number 1 man that i love. in those 16 years, i cried lots because of missing him. hearing his voice breaks my heart. in that one month that he was here, he stayed with me for 2 straight weeks. we would eat chopped cabbage with tomatoes, just that. we would watch the news and discuss it. i taught him how to use the computer (he even had computer classes in the states) but still, he was not able to learn (hehe). those days, were also my favorite.

and next month, february, my first love will be coming home for goooooodddddddd. waaaaaah. muntik na akong umiyak sa harap ng nanay ko nang sinabi niya sa akin to, nahiya lang ako. waaaaaaaahh. this is the best news everrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... syempre, he will be staying with us na. i am excited to be with papang na. february, please come sooner.

my lolo is my first love, my number 1 man, my favorite person (tied with mama. haha) kaya i am soooooo happy that finally, he'll be with us.

Thank You Lord. This is the best gift everrrrrrrrrrr. <3 <3 <3



Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

:

the battle with the self is always the hardest.
i am always struggling.

"kung pwede lang tanggalin ang pagiging tao, ginawa ko na."


Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra

Salamat Po

I am just happy that the Lord is always reminding me of things that I tend to forget. ♥
We encounter changes everytime. We experience both sides of life, the good and the not so good.

Thank You for my everyday experiences. Thank You for always being in me. May everything I do, be for Your glory alone and not for my own self-righteousness. May there be self dissociation and self-denial so that it is You who'll live in me and there will no longer be I.

Thanks.
Love and Peace.
Marra